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cia_book_of_dirty_tricks

发表于2004/12/30 18:55:00  12304人阅读

分类: class_Politics


@DATABASE amigaguide.guide

@REM Hello all :)

@WORDWRAP

@NODE MAIN "CIA Book of Dirty Tricks #1"

 

 

  _______.________________/|__________//___.___

  /  ___ |  /   _ /___ ____.  ___.  ____)_ | _/

  /  __) |  /   |_/  _  /  |  /  |  /   /  _  /

  /____)__  /___| /__|  /___  /  |__/_  /  |__/

          //         :___/  //___|tG?//___|

 

 Typed by

 

 

 Amigaguide conversion by @{b}Recoil / Eutronix@{ub}

 

 If you find the other part(s) to this book then contact me, I can

 be found on many US and UK Boards and on internet as

 @{b}recoil@cyberspace.net@{ub}

 

 A lot of this @{i}information@{ui} is only of use to Americans but I'm

 

 sure you can find a way of performing the same sort of things here in

 the UK.

 

 

@{"Additives" LINK ADDITIVES}

@{"Airlines" LINK AIRLINES}

@{"Animals" LINK ANIMALS}

@{"Apartments" LINK APARTMENTS}

@{"Assassination" LINK ASSASSINATION}

@{"Auto Dealers" LINK AUTO DEALERS}

@{"Banks" LINK BANKS}

@{"Bikers" LINK BIKERS}

@{"Books" LINK BOOKS}

@{"Campuses" LINK CAMPUSES}

@{"Carbide" LINK CARBIDE}

@{"Cars" LINK CARS}

@{"CB Radios" LINK CB_RADIOS}

@{"Charity" LINK CHARITY}

@{"Cheese" LINK CHEESE}

@{"Child Abuse" LINK CHILD_ABUSE}

@{"CIA" LINK CIA}

@{"Classified Ads" LINK CLASSIFIED_ADS}

@{"Clergy" LINK CLERGY}

@{"Coins" LINK COINS}

@{"Computers" LINK COMPUTERS}

@{"Contractors" LINK CONTRACTORS}

@{"Credit Cards" LINK CREDIT_CARDS}

@{"Delivery of Consumables" LINK DELIVERY_OF_CONSUMABLES}

@{"Dirty Old Men" LINK DIRTY_OLD_MEN}

@{"Drugs" LINK DRUGS}

@{"Environmental Rapists" LINK ENVIRONMENTAL_RAPISTS}

@{"Explosives" LINK EXPLOSIVES}

@{"Fillers" LINK FILLERS}

@{"Forgery" LINK FORGERY}

@{"Garage Sales" LINK GARAGE_SALES}

@{"Gases" LINK GASES}

@{"Graffiti" LINK GRAFFITI}

@{"Highways" LINK HIGHWAYS}

@{"Hookers" LINK HOOKERS}

@{"Hotels" LINK HOTELS}

@{"Homes" LINK HOMES}

@{"Insurance Companies" LINK INSURANCE_COMPANIES}

@{"IRS" LINK IRS}

@{"Joggers" LINK JOGGERS}

@{"Laundromats" LINK LAUNDROMATS}

@{"Lawns" LINK LAWNS}

@{"Lawyers" LINK LAWYERS}

@{"Licence Plates" LINK LICENCE_PLATES}

@{"MA Bell" LINK MA_BELL}

@{"Mail" LINK MAIL}

@{"Mail Drops" LINK MAIL_DROPS}

@{"Marriage" LINK MARRIAGE}

@{"Media" LINK MEDIA}

@{"Medical" LINK MEDICAL}

@{"Military" LINK MILITARY}

@{"Motion Pictures" LINK MOTION_PICTURES}

@{"Municipal Services" LINK MUNICIPAL_SERVICES}

@{"Neighborhoods" LINK NEIGHBORHOODS}

@{"Notary Seal" LINK NOTARY_SEAL}

@{"Oil Companies" LINK OIL_COMPANIES}

@{"Thomas Jefferson" LINK THOMAS_JEFFERSON}

 

 @{b}Send me the rest :) @{ub}

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE HELP "Doh!"

 

 Oops don't you know how to use Amigaguide then? Dopey aren't we...

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE ADDITIVES "Additives"

 

     Harmful additives are a formidable weapon against machinery, people, and

processes.  Additives perform one or more of the following:

 

1) Corrosion...sulfuric acid, for example, will corrode the gutter, eaves, and

   downspout of a home; dumped salt will mar a building surface or floor and

   kill a lawn.

 

2) Contamination...copper salts will rot rubber products; soap in a public or

   corporate fountain will create giant foam.  Or put it in a steam boiler if

   you're more serious about the matter.

 

3) Abrasion...introduction of light, coarse materials, such as resins, to

   automotive fuel, or metal filings placed in the gears of industrial

   machinery, will create frictional havoc.

 

4) Impurities...adding sugar to gasoline greates harmful carbon from the

   burning sugar, stopping the engine.

 

     Soaps and detergents make wonderful additions to food and could even be

beneficial if the target happens to be constipated.  If not, then soap-laden

munchies or drinks will really keep him moving.

 

     During my stay as an invited guest of Uncle Sam I recall some dirty

tricksters' making an action statement against being in KP.  They liberally

coated various pans and cooking vessels with GI soap.  They washed mugs with a

lot of soap, then neglected to rinse them before letting the utensils dry.

Later, when some drinkable potion like milk or coffee was poured into the mug

by some unsuspecting mark, the soap was activated.  Whoosh!

 

     Soap is also a very effective additive to containers in which food is

prepared.  The secret is to disguise the taste.  Various other additives will

do that and other tricks.

 

     A horny old pharmacist, Doctor Frank Pittlover, claims there really is a

working aphrodisiac.  His is almost as esoteric as the fake stuff you read

about in men's magazines.  Here's what Doctor Pittlover says:  "It's known as

yohimmbine hydrochloride (C21, H23, O3N2), an obscure sex stimulant that

operates on the central nervous system.  It was the aphrodisiac used by the

CIA in their MK/ULTRA scam."  It is not on the Central Substances Act list

--yet--and it is classed as a "veterinary aphrodisiac."  That means you can

get it openly from a pharmaceutical supply source.  What you do with it after

you get it is probably your own business.

 

     There are other references to and uses of additives in many other topical

areas of your revenge...many more than could be indexed here.

 

     "Take tea and see" is a good advertising slogan that should also alert

the dirty trickster to some additives brought to our attention by herbal-tea

producers.  Two common products of many herbal teas have side effects that the

trickster could define only as delightful.  First, some teas contain the

leaves, flowers, and the bark of senna plant, a tropical shrub related to our

bean plant.  The dried leaves, bark, and flowers of this plant are a mighty

powerful laxative.  Chamomile flowers are also popular in herbal teas.

Related to ragweed and goldenrod, chamomile can produce severe reactions in

people sensitive to plants of that family.

 

     The trick in both cases is to obtain extracts of both products and use

them in concentrated enough additive form to create the desired effect.

 

     Meanwhile, from the other end, Doctor Christopher Garwood Doyle has a

prescription that could really get amark moving.  Syrup of ipecac is a common

purgative, easily available.  Here's how Doctor Goyle uses it.

 

     "Your mark is with you or your agent somewhere having a few drinks," the

doctor outlines.  "Presumably, the mark is drinking something sweet and heavy,

like rum and Coke.  When the mark goes to the bathroom or is otherwise out of

the area, mix one tablespoon of syrup in ipecac in with the drink.

 

     "You now have a fifteen-minute waiting--or escaping, if you prefer--

period for the mixture to get active.  After that, bombs away!  The mark will

begin violent projectile vomiting, which really messes up the nearby

environment and anyone else who happens to be the way.

 

     "We first did this in medical school, using to get back at a classmate

who'd turned us in to officials for having an after-hours party in our dorm

with women and booze.  They threw the book at us because we were supposed to

be mature medical students.

 

     "The student who did this fancied himself as a real boozer," Doctor Doyle

explained, "but he really was a hell of a hypocrite about it and really played

pious when he turned us in.  So we figured he who tattles about booze shall

also toss his booze."

 

     Doctor Doyle reports that this additive will work easily with

non-alcoholic drinks, too.  He says the secret is to select a carrier drink

that will hide the taste and consistency of the syrup.

 

     Another good remedy for a hotshot is cascara sagrada, made from the dried

root of a thorny shrub found on the American West Coast.  It produces violent

diarrhea.  Once, Joe Kascaba introduced some cascara sagranda into a mark's

orange juice.  The mark was with his girlfriend and her parents in their

family car.  He had the "juiced" orange juice about ten minutes before getting

into the car.

 

     Kascaba reminisced, "The stuff's fast acting, and we were lucky to have

the girlfriend's brother as our ally, to report the action.  It hit the mark

about six minutes into the trip, and in another minute he didn't even have

time to yell for them to pull over.  He just started letting go with loud,

wet, explosive bursts.

 

     "This is all in full witness of his girlfriend and her family in a

tightly packed auto.  He couldn't get stopped, either.  They took him to a

hospital, but by then the additive was through his system and the storm had

subsided.  That surely is super powerful stuff."

 

     Kascaba explained why he had taken action this explosive action, saying,

"The guy was a real creep.  He was always trying to make out with other girls,

and since he wasn't very smooth, he used to get them drunk.  This was always

with other girls, of course--his regular girlfriend knew nothing about all of

this.

 

     "Well, one night he pulled this crap on a friend of mine, got her drunk,

messed around...she got this feeling all guilty and emotional, then got sick

--puked, in fact.  He thought he was macho stuff and gave her hell for it.

 

     "We figured if he was going to act like such a shit...well, I'm sure you

understand...."

 

     The above trick is suggested to be used in such a place so that your mark

can not easily reach a bathroom within a few minutes after the attack hits.

This will cause him to literally shit his pants and drip at the heels.

 

     As a final note, Kascaba says not to use this powerful additive with

older folks, because it weaken them to the point of very seroius medical

complications such as dehyrdration which may kill them.  Have some respect for

the elderly, think of your grandmother!

 

     The following trick is technically a substitution and not an additive:  I

know of one person who visited her mark's home and emptied the hair

conditioner out of his bottle, then poured Neet hair remover into the

conditioner bottle.  She knew that Operation Substitute was a bald success

when she saw her mark in a local store several weeks later, wearing a large

scarf on his head.

 

     Vinegar makes a great substitute for nose drops or in nasal-spray

devices.  One especially nasty person also suggested it for use in eye drops.

I'm not sure about that one though, sight's a precious thing.  You'd better

reserve that one for a very deserving person that shot your dog, wrecked your

computer, busted you for phreaking, etc.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE AIRLINES "Airlines"

 

     Arrange to have a friend meet you at the terminal gate when you deplane.

Give your friend your baggage claim checks and have him/her retrieve your bags

from the carousel, then leave the baggage area with your bags.  Before your

friend leaves the airport with your luggage, be sure to get your claim checks

back.  Then, you saunter over to the baggage area, spend half an hour waiting

for your bags.  Ask some clerks for help, then report your "missing" luggage,

showing your claim checks as proof.  Very few flights ever have a clerk

actually check the baggage and collect claim checks. It's foolish, but they

don't.  Make a polite, but firm scene and demand satisfaction.  Normally, the

airline people will have you fill out a form and they will attempt to find

your luggage.  Obviously, they won't find it.  Bug them some...write them

letters.  Soon, you should get a good settlement from the airline.  Don't try

to pull this one on the same airline more than once!

 

  Leaving the airlines and aiming for the individual mark, you can do a lot of

personal damage.  For instance, if you find your mark is going to use airline

travel, you could call and cancel the reservations.

 

  You might try to slip a couple rounds of pistol ammunition or a switchblade

in to your mark's pocket just before he goes through the metal detector at the

airport terminal. You could also slip some drugs into his pocket at the same

time.  Read a book on pick pocketing to note the technique for doing this.

It's quite easy.  Leave accurate-looking, but totally bogus hijack scenario

plans, bomb diagrams, or orders of battle for terrorist attacks in airport

bars and restrooms.  This fires up both the rent-a-cops and the real security

people.  The security delays and resultant hassles with passengers create

unhappy people who are angry at airports and airlines.  Naturally, the blame

for these plans must focus on your mark.  If he has really been bugging you

it's about time to get even!

 

     Leaving the airlines and aiming for individual mark, you can do a lot of

personal damage.  For instance, if you find that your mark is going to use

airline travel and there are only a few travel agents in town, you could call

until you find the correct one and cancel the reservations.  Or if you know

the name of the airline, call their office and cancel the mark's reservations.

 

     You might try to slip a couple of rounds of pistol ammunition or a

switchblade knife into your mark's pocket just before he goes through the

metal detector at the airport terminal.  You could also slip some drugs into

his pocket at the same time.  Read a book on pickpocketing to note the

technique for doing this.  It's quite easy since you are placing stuff back.

 

     Bill Cutcheon sometimes poses as a Moonie, Hare Krishna devotee, or other

cultist and goes to airports.  His goal is to act like a completely obnoxious

fool.  He really hams it up, usually getting tossed out after totally grossing

out the passengers.  The heat, of course, falls equally on the cults and on

the airport for letting "them" behave like that.

 

     Another Cutcheon stunt is to leave accurate-looking but totally bogus

hijack scenario plans, bomb diagrams, or orders for terrorists attacks in

airport bars and restrooms.  This fires up both the rent-a-cops and the real

security people.  The security delays and resultant hassles with passengers

create unhappy people who are angry at airports and airlines.

 

     Naturally, thew blame for these plans must focus on the original

perpetrator of Cutcheon's problems.  He says, "If some nut group's been

hassling me for money, messing in my neighborhood, or otherwise being

obnoxious, I'll leave evidence to pin the hijack or bomb rap on them.  I got

back at a motorcycle gang by doing this once, after they had sideswiped

my truck and refused to pay damages."

 

     He also explains that this is a good vengeance grabber against an airport

facility that has offended you.

 

     Mitch Egan of San Francisco doesn't like cultist panhandlers harassing

people at airports, so he founded the Fellowship to Resist Organized Groups

Involved in Exploitation, or FROGIE.  Egan and his friends use those little

metal clickers shaped like frogs to ward of religious solicitors.

 

     According to Egan, thousands of people across the country are now armed

with the little metal frogs, and when a religious panhandler approaches, they

whip out the clicker and "Click, click, click!" the pest away.

 

     "In San Francisco, I saw two hundred people clicking away at a Krishna,"

Egan remarked.  "They blew her right out of her socks."

 

     He adds, "If God wants a dollar from me, he can ask for it.  I'm not

against religion, but I'm fed up with organized beggars."

 

     Relief is just a click away.

 

     I knew a chap who became annoyed at a Krishna who followed him out of the

Indianapolis airport, verbally abusing him for not making a contribution.

Having surreptitiously "armed and primed" himself, our hero suddenly stopped,

whipped around, and pissed all over the startled harridan.  After the few

necessary seconds of attack, he calmly replaced himself, zipped up, and walked

away.   A bemused security cop nearby tried to hide his laughter.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE ANIMALS "Animals"

 

    If your mark is an oily cuss with a credibility problem you should easily

pull off this stunt.  It involves a cop, reporters, SPCA folks and some farm

animals.  Call the police and tell them you know about a cock or dog fight

that's being held at your mark's home.  Explain that you have no morals

against animal fighting but you lost big money there last time and think the

fights are fixed.  Next call your mark and report to him that some people

are holding dog or cock fights on his property.  Call the reporters and SPCA

and tell them all about the fight.  Mention that your mark and the cops have

a payoff relationship.  Give everyone the same general arrival time, never be

too specific.  Hopefully, all will sort of show up at the same time.  You might

manipulate things so the press and animal lovers show up first.  Even if a

real story doesn't develop, you have scattered some strong seeds of distrust.

If you want a stronger story, find a dead dog on the road or something and

plant it near by and tell the reporters and SPCA where to find the evidence.

It will be fun to hear your mark and the cops talk about everything to the

reporters.

 

    Dead animals are very useful.  Wait until your mark goes on a trip and will

be leaving his car or house empty for several days.  Get into the car

or house and stuff very large and very dead animals everywhere.  Your mark will

probably have to sell his car and fumigate his house when he returns.

 

    If you are bothered by big dogs chasing you just take a good quality

plastic water pistol and fill it with freshly squeezed lemon juice.  Shoot

the furball right in the eyes and it'll soon stop the canine harassment.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE APARTMENTS "Apartments"

 

     Your mark lives in an apartment?  A squirt or so of Eastman 910 or a

similar type glue into the lock can screw up the mark's trying to get back

into the apartment after an evening on the town.  It's best to save this one

until late evening or on a weekend.  Of course, this same stunt would work on

a house, but an apartment lockout disturbance causes more of a public scene.

 

     If the mark's apartment is an older building with wooden door frames and

you can work quitly and quickly at night, you can lock him/her in the

apartment from the outside.  Quietly fix a hasp and keeper on the door and

frame using wooden screws.  Then slap a padlock on the new fixture.  It

creates a great deal of frustration if that door is the only way out of the

apartment.  Do it late Saturday night so the discovery is made on Sunday

morning when it's impossible to get help.

 

     Run a classified ad offering to sublet the mark's apartment.  You can

list either the mark's telephone number or that of his/her landlord.  As

usual, make the contact hour for very early in the morning "because of

shift-work schedule."

 

     You might want to make a "milk run" to the mark's apartment very early on

several mornings and place a whole bunch of empty booze bottles outside his or

her door.  This works well in ritzy apartments where the neighbors are snobs.

How do you get by the security people?  One way is to pose as a delivery

person, a service person, a building inspector, or someone on a work crew.

You can also hire an accomplice in the building, or you can bribe the door

guard.

 

     Suppose you are the victim of a nasty landlord who evicts you for no good

reason.  There are lots of legal ways to get your tenant's rights, but there

are also many quasi-legal and illegal ways that are much more fun.  For

example, you could simply "sublet" the place, on your own, to a bunch of

dopers, bikers, drunks, hookers, runaways, or twenty-four-hour party throwers.

Make this extracuricular subletting your going-away surprise.

 

     Another person I know went to the local animal shelter on several

different days and got a total of fifteen cats for twenty-five dollars.  He

bought a bunch of cat food and a bushel basket of fish, and filled his bathtub

with water for them.  He then nailed every window and door shut from the

inside before crawling out the tiny casement window in the basement.  He had

previously nailed the basement door shut behind him.  Obviously, he had moved

his things out several days previously.  His eviction notice was effective the

next day, but the landlord didn't check on the house for five days.  My God,

what a mistake that man made.  To say that that cat house was an uninhabitable

mess is an understatement.

 

     Tim Carroll was tossed out of his apartment by the landlady because one

of Tim's many lady friends stayed over for the whole entire evening.  This

upset the old biddy who owened the building, and being a staunch, God-fearing

charter member of the DAR, she canceled his lease and ordered him to leave the

building.

 

     Displeased with the abitrary and unilateral treatment and the upheaveal

caused by her dubious moral judgement, Tim didn't get angry; he got even.  He

had a trusted friend place a large sign in a hallway window of the landlady's

apartment building.  The seventh-floor window faced a busy business street,

and the sign was quite visible to many hundreds of people.

 

     The sign read:  TIM CARROLL SUCKS.

 

     The landlady didn't see the sign, so two days later, Tim's friend

positioned another sign, this time in a sixth-floor-hall window.

 

     The second sign read:  TIM CARROLL IS A FAG.

 

     The landlady saw both signs and removed them.  Two days later, she got a

letter from Tim, with a picture enclosed showing her building with the signs

easily visible.  The letter was Tim's complaint about personal slander and

harassment.  He asked her please to desist.

 

     Sometime early the next morning, in time for rush-hour morning traffic, a

new sign went up in the window:  TIM CARROLL BLOWS DEAD BEARS.

 

     At 8:30 A.M., the unsuspecting landlady recieved a call from an attorney

friend of Tim's, citing the original slander and warning the woman against

further incidents.  Shaken, she swore her innocence.  Ten minutes after

hanging up, he called back, sounding furious because Tim had just called him

about the latest sign.  Flabbergasted, the old lady swore she would remove it

and loudly proclaim her innocence.

 

     Another sign went up that afternoon in time for rush-hour the other way:

TIM CARROLL IS A FLAMING HETEROSEXUAL.

 

     The landlady got the lawyer's call just after dark, when the sign was no

longer visible.  She was almost in tears because of his threats to sue.  She

begged to just talk to Tim, to tell him none of this was her doing.  The

attorney told her that he had advised his client to have no further

discussions with her.

 

     The next day's sign read:  FOR A GOOD LAY, CALL TIM CARROLL.

 

     That evening, a new sign went up.  The landlady, frantic, according to

Tim's friend who was putting up the signs, got to it fifteen minutes after it

went up.  The attorney called her five minutes after she go back to her own

apartment.

 

     Tim related, "You might feel almost sorry for the old lady, except that

she had told me earlier that she was going to keep my security deposit and

that I would have to forfeit the month's rent I had paid in advance because I

had violated the morality clause in my lease.  The was no such clause.  I

found out she had done this same thing to two other guys a year before and

some guys before that.  She also tossed out a couple because they weren't

married.  She'd come into your room when you were gone and snoop, too.  That

bugged me."

 

     No signs went up for the next three days, although the woman checked the

windows every twenty minutes or so.  On the fourth day, hundreds of passersby,

accustomed to the signs weren't disappointed.

 

     The new sign read:  TIM CARROLL'S WHOREHOUSE.

 

     Although it took her an hour to discover and remove it, the lawyer friend

of Tim's didn't call until the next morning, when a new sign was in the

window:  WHOREHOUSE UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT.  The landlady's telephone number was

listed.

 

     A second sign was placed on the sixth-floor window underneath:  TIM

CARROLL COULDN'T BEAT THE COMPETITION.

 

     In his best tones, the attorney explained that enough was enough and that

on behalf of his client, Mr. Carroll, he would be filing an action.  The woman

was distraught.  He told her to have her attorney present for a meeting at

three the following afternoon.  He asked her who attorney was and said the

meeting should be in his office.  Tim and his attorney postponed this meeting

several times, then told the woman that since she had stopped putting up the

signs, they would hold the suit in limbo for the time.

 

     Reportedly, she monitored the halls and windows of that building

regularly for five months.  But more importantly, she also left her tenants to

their own moral lives.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE ASSASSINATION "Assassination"

 

     Suppose you have a mark whose ill temper has created problems for you.

Or perhaps this mark is simply an obnoxious nut whose obsessions have cost you

personally.  A dentist I know spent many unselfish hours working to get

flouride into his community's drinking water as a means of fighting tooth

decay in children.  An apolitical and highly dedicated professional, he was

concerned only with healthcare for the kids in the community.  A hyper,

rightwing zealot jumped on the issue and scared the town council with his

insane babble.  He claimed that flouride was a Communist plot to poison

America's drinking water and minds and that using flouride would lead to LSD

as part of the International Communist Conspiracy.  The timid council voted

"no" on flouride.

 

     Beside himself, the young dentist said he surely would like to get back

at the rightwing firebrand but just didn't know what to do.  Sighing, he gave

up his fight and put his time back into his practice.  The kids never got

their flouride treatment, and as a result he had a lot of business.  It's too

bad that young dentist never met Maurice Bishop.

 

     In the hypocritical piety following the assassinations of the sixties,

physical security was supposedly tightened to protect the chief executive

chosen by the power brokers who now control the United States.  A former

law-enforcement official with a probable intelligence background offered an

astounding dirty trick related to this topic.  To protect this source's

identity we'll use the cover name of Maurice Bishop.

 

     Bishop says that the CIA, FBI and Secret Service all keep a list of nut

cases, radicals, and others who threaten political figures.  Often, these

people are jailed, kept under protective custody, or placed under

twenty-four-hour surveillance by autorities when poltical targets are in the

area.  Bishop's idea calls for theatening telegrams to be sent to the

politician in the mark's name.  At the very least this telegram will bring a

visit by one of the government agencies, and perhaps it will result in a bit

of jail time if the mark loses his/her cool as a result of this dirty trick.

 

     Bishop says this will also work with state officials, bringing a visit

from state police or some other law enforcement official.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE AUTO_DEALERS "Auto Dealers"

 

     If an automobile dealership screws you, on either the car, the deal, or

the service, don't get angry--get even.  Wait outside the showroom until a

prospective customer starts talking to a salesperson about the same type of

car you got.  Walk right up to the customer and tell him you woeful story.

The idea is to screw up as many sales as you can (it will cost the dealer at

least $5000 for each screw-up).  Be factual, be cool, and act as if you're an

honest citizen trying to save another honest citizen some money and heartache

--as you wish someone had done for you.  Sincere good faith is the thing here,

because the salesman is going to blow his about the second time you pull your

act.

 

     When the manager asks you to leave and you don't, he will probably call

the police.  You had anticipated this earlier and alerted someone at the local

newspaper or television station--probably the action-line reporters.

Smalltown media usually won't allow reporters to come--car dealers buy lots of

ads, and you don't.  A regional TV station may show up--if you promise a

confrontation with the law.  So when the manager calls the police, you call

your TV reporter--fun and games for the 6:00 P.M. news.

 

     If all this doesn't work, wait off the dealer's premises and approach

customers as they leave the showroom.  Tell your story there and then.  Offer

to help them avoid your mistake.  But stay on public property.  And keep after

the action-line reporters.

 

     If you esculate the attack a bit, show up when the night salespeople are

on duty--they won't recognize you.  Look at new cars; wander around.  Few

salespeople pay much attention to an obvious gawker.  As soon as someone else

or a telephone distracts the salesperson, you can do things to the automobile

right there in the showroom.  A bottle opener is hard on the finish.  See the

file on additives for things you could quickly put into the fuel tank.  If you

could smuggle some in with you, stuff roadkill under a car seat or in the

glove compartment.  Or toss a condom (preferably used) on the front seat.  By

the way, used condoms make wonderful plants in other locations as well, like

the boss's desk, or in a customer's car back in the service shop.

 

     If you can manage to slip undetected into the service area along with

your bag of sabotage goodies, such as glue, wire cutters, paint, potatoes,

M80s, etc., you can run amok.  Work quietly and quickly.  This sort of

guerrilla warfare can literally wreck a dealer's service reputation.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE BANKS "Banks"

 

     It could be time to make your bankroll.  According to Townsend Alexander,

our financial intelligence agent, you can make good money buying some very

cheap foreign coins that are the same size as a quarters.  Get a paper coin

wrapper.  Wrap a few real quarters on the ends but fill the rest of the roll

with the cheapie import coins.  Wrap the roll and with felt-tip pen write some

phony account number on it to add to authenticity.

 

     Take the roll of coins into the targeted bank.  If you dress like a

business person and go at a busy time, especially with the account number

written on each roll, and the rolls in a bank sack or your briefcase, the

teller will probably give you ten dollars per roll without checking.

 

     If you could get a banker to tell the truth, he'd admit that they hate

college-student checking accounts.  There's probably a lot of justification,

since most services like this for college students cost far more than they're

worth in return.  However, that's not our problem.

 

     Suppose you have a gripe with the bank.  Acting as the bank's ad manager,

get in touch with the student newspaper at the school and arrange to run some

ads with banner headlines reading, STUDENTS WELCOME, plus such services as NO

SERVICE CHARGE, FREE CUSTOM-PRINTED CHECKS, INTREST ON THE BALANCE, NO MINIMUM

BALANCE, and so on.  Offer to give away free albums or Walkman radios.  The

day after the "bank's" ad runs they will be swamped with unwanted students,

who are going to be very angry at the bank (and probably at the student

newspaper).

 

     Modern banks now have cash machines where you insert your plastic money

card and the machine gives you the money.  If that institution or its machine

has become your target, here's a dairyland delight you could easily employ.

Take some tough, hard cheese and cut it the same size and shape as your

plastic card.  Insert the cheese "card" into the slot of the machine and leave

the area.  One banker told me it took a service person nine hours to clean the

machine and get it operating again when someone pulled this stunt in

Baltimore.

 

     The bank still giving you trouble, or you didn't give them enough?  It's

time to move things up the scale a notch.  Rent a safe-deposit box under

another name.  Pay cash for a three-month rental.  That's all the time you'll

need to collect on this one.  Go to the market and buy a couple of overripe

fish--I'm sure you'll get a bargain price.  Carry them wrapped in plastic in

your briefcase.  Go directly to your safe deposit box.  In the privacy of the

bank's little cubicle, unwrap the fish and lay the big, stinky suckers right

in the safety deposit box.  Close it, lock it, and store it.  Then carry the

fish wrappers, briefcase, and yourself out of the bank.  In a few days your

deposit will gain their intrest.  You'd better do your real banking at another

institution for a while.  It's quite possible bank officials will have to hire

someone to drill the lock on the targeted safe-deposit box to remove the

contents.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE BIKERS "Bikers"

 

     You're walking along a pedestrian sidewalk, and along come a bicyclist,

churning away his/her spare calories on that nonpolluting transportaion

device.  Within moments you're an involuntary participant in a game of chicken

with that cyclist, who swerves while you weave.  You finally pass each other

in good dodgeum-car fashion.  Maybe.  Wonderful stuff, adrenaline.

 

     On the other cheek, maybe you've been blindsided by an irresponsible

cyclist trespassing on your pedestrian walk right of way.

 

     "No more turning the other cheek," is the war cry of Mel Scafe, an

anticyclist who is fighting back.

 

     "I've declared war on all two wheelers who trespass into my life," Mel

says.  "I'll get the senior citizen bicyclist who forces me off my sidewalk on

the same day I get even with the teenage dirt biker who tears up the hill

behind my home."

 

     One of Mel's tatics is to toss a length of chain into the spokes of the

dirt bike when it's roaring by.  Instantly, the bike stops going forward while

the rider continues onward until gravity takes over.

 

     "I've also used a wire cutter to snip the spokes on a bicycle whose owner

has done me a disfavor," Mel relates.  "That'll cause a real collapse in his

biking game."

 

     Another time he spread a large patch of grease on the path used by dirt

bikers.

 

     He can't even estimate the pounds of air he's released from captivity in

bike tires.  He's used all the nasty engine additives mentioned in another

file for these machines that disturb his world.

 

     "I liked that Burt Reynolds movie where the truck driver drove his rig

over all those goddamn motorcycles," Mel grinned.  Turning seriously, he

added, "I've thought about the old World War II trick of stretching piano or

barbed wire across a trail or bikeway, but I think that could be fatal, so I

don't really do it."

 

     "If there were some way I could totally kill the damn machines and only

embarrass the people a bit I'd surely like to hear about it.  Until then I

will stick to the old standards that have worked for me so far."

 

     He adds, "I know people may sneer at me for being mean to kiddies on

their bicycles, and I know bicycles are an in thing today.  But maybe if those

young riders learn some manners early and stay the hell off pesestrian

walkways, they might grow up to be decent people."

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE BOOKS "Books"

 

     Did anyone ever borrow a book from you and not return it?  Our private

library consultant, Roberta Russell, has a suggestion with an air of financial

finality behind it.  For the first step, a printer should make you about three

or four dozen bookplates, all featuring your mark's name and address, plus the

legend, "If this book is lost and you find it and return it, I will pay you

$10 cash."  Your next step is the local Goodwill Industries, a local thrift or

second-hand shop, or a garage sale for books.  Buy two or three dozen used

hardcover books.  You buy them as cheaply as you can, but they'll cost your

mark plenty.  Your next step is to paste on the bookplates and distribute

these books--at the beach, on park benches, in a bus or subway, or in a bar or

restaurant.  The final step is for you to enjoy a good chuckle at your mark's

expense, as people find the "lost" books.

 

     If your mark has a fine library, you might consider introducing it to

silverfish.  They love good books; in fact they will devour them.  If you feel

this nasty, you probably already know where to get silverfish and their eggs.

This one bothers me, though, since I love good books.  Maybe there's a better

way.  Perhaps you could put an earwig in you mark's bed pillow.

 

     Why not give your mark the image of a philathropic person?  Donate books

in his/her name to the local library, but without either party's knowledge.

Buy a bunch of really scuzzy porno paperbacks, especially the colorfully

illustrated ones from Denmark--the more grossly hardcore, the better.  Your

printer will produce some paste-in bookplates that say something like this,

"This book donated to the [Name] library by [Mark's name] in loving memory of

all the sweet children of [Town name]."  Paste in the bookplates and sprinkle

the donated books around the local library.  Put some in the children section,

and others in the religion books.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CAMPUSES "Campuses"

 

     Not everyone is hibernating on college campuses.  Although it's true that

many students have become docile zombies, lobotimized by lethal doses of

television and the bureaucracy of the educational system, there are a few live

ones.  At an eastern university, a number of students got upset with the rent

gouging of a massive corporation acting as an absentee landlord for private

off-campus dormitories.  After getting nowhere appealing to an untesticled

school administration, and after being ignored by a housing inspector and a

city council belonging to the same social class and clubs as the corporate

landlords, the students held a pizza party.

 

     The unusual part was the the pizza party was held in the clothes dryers

of the dormitory laundry rooms.  One particpant reported, "We dumped a couple

of really gooey pizzas in each dryer, put in the coins, and turned them on."

 

     Try cleaning up that one!

 

     Epilogue:  The corporate landlord and his student tenants settled their

problems shortly after the party, totally to the satisfaction of the young

protestors.

 

     Professor James Shannon claims that college students of the past had

heinous imaginations.  Today, of course, many students are content merely to

move around enough to prevent roots from forming on their contact surfaces

with the ground.  Professor Shannon suggests that if you have a teacher you

don't like, and he/she lectures from a desk or podium on a raised platform,

you move the stand so its legs are barely balanced on the front edge of the

platform.  When the academic leans forward on the structure ever so slightly,

it will come crashing forward.  With any luck the pedagogue will land on top

of it.

 

     At an eastern university, two looser colleagues filled a humorless and

bookish faculty member's office closet with several large and irritable geese

one evening.  The professor was in the habit of arriving quite early for 8:00

AM class, early enough so that the hasty-tempered birds would just be

awakening.  When he opened the closet door they woke up and became badly

aggressive really fast.  Eyewitness reports left no doubt whose feathers were

ruffled most.

 

     This will be truly appreciated only by those privy to the pettiness of

academia:  Other colleagues of this same professor sometimes send truly

pedantic, nasty, personal, and vindictive memoranda to various other faculty

members, deans, etc., in the name of their priggish colleagues.

 

     On one occasion they sent really nasty letters to the parents of a few of

this faculty member's students, giving the poor folks hell for daring to

produce such genetic drift as their kids, much less turning them loose on a

college campus.  The school's PR people had a terrible time getting out from

under that one.  As for the mark, the dumb schmuck had no idea why so many

people disliked him.  But please take his colleagues word for it--he deserves

every bit of it.

 

@ENDNODE

@NODE CARBIDE "Carbide"

 

     Having been brought up around hunters and miners, I learned all about

carbide lamps and carbide fishing early.  Working on my grandfather's farm, I

learned about carbide bombs.  Let me explain some things you might find

useful.

 

     When calcium carbide is exposed to air and water it produces a gas that

will kill small animals.  Farmers often pour it down gopher, rat, or groundhog

holes, then dump in some water and put a rock over the hole.  The animal is

gassed to death.

 

     A lot of poor people used to fish with carbide with the same efficiency

with which legions of GIs fished with hand grenades.  Simply toss a pound or

two of carbide into a can and seal it, but be sure to punch a few holes in the

lid.  Toss it into a pond.  The results can play havoc with your mark's fish

pond or fancy goldfish pool or an indoor aquarium.  Water and carbide can

produce an explosion.

 

     Some of the nastier kids used to place amounts of carbide into the

toilets at our school.  The idea was to place the carbide bomb in the toilet,

leave a lighted cigarette on the seat, and run like hell.  The carbide would

combine with the water to produce a huge cloud of noxious gas, which would

explode when it hit the lighted cigarette the perpetrators left behind.  This

little homemade bomb did more damage than an M80.

 

     Tim Bell, who later became a Special Forces NCO in Vietnam, explains, "We

had a kid bully whom no one liked--a real prick.  He always went to the john

after fourth period to sneak a smoke.  So two of us went in right after him

and laid a carbide bomb in the water in the next stall.  We were about a

hundred feet down the hall when the damn thing went off."

 

     At this point, Tim burst into a wild laughter.  I was able to learn, though

, that the bully had his legs burned and cut by flying porcelain, bit

his tongue badly, was knocked violently off the throne, bruising his ribs

against the steel wall of the stall, and was deafened for nearly twenty-four

hours, all by the force of this carbide explosion.  With that kind of

background as a high school kid, it's no wonder Tim Bell made a good Special

Forces trooper.

 

     Are there more adult uses for carbide?  Some sixties semi-terrorists used

to dump a pound or so into the toilets of corporate offices and government

buildings, flush the mess into the system, and walk away briskly.  Enough of

the stuff could get very dangerous, considering the possible backup of gases.

A combination of water and carbide has been fed into the ventilating systems

of various corporate and government buildings, also by semi-terrorists who

wish to harass the resident bureaucrats.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CARS "Cars"

 

     This one's really kiddie Halloween time, but it does work.  A bunch of

old nuts and bolts placed into the wheel well behind the hubcap will make the

mark think his/her car is falling apart.  It's worth some minor harassment, of

course, and works outstandingly well with high-strung nonmechanical typed who

absolutely panic at car noises.

 

     You can get a little heavier than Halloween by removing a hubcap from

your mark's car wheel and loosening or removing the lug bolts.  Sooner or not

much later, the wheel will simply roll off the car.

 

     Moving up the escalator of nastiness, you could probably fill your mark's

whole body with adrenaline if you placed a split shot sinker, of the type used

by fishermen, on the accelerator cable of his/her vehicle.  Willy Seamore, a

top mechanic, suggests you extend the cable, then place the lead weight on the

extended portion, which effectively blocks it from returning.  This means the

vehicle's throttle will run wide open.  It's a nasty version of the

jack-rabbit start.

 

     From choking up to locking up is hardly a quantum experience.  The new

miracle glues are impregnable when squirted into car door keyholes.  Nothing

short of a locksmith can repair this low-risk attack.  If you hit just before

the mark's family vacation, leave the car door locks alone and hit the trunk

lock.  With any luck, they'll never notice until they're miles from home.

 

     A refinement of simply putting a super glue or epoxy into the car's

various locks is to take any old key that will vaguely locks is to take any

old key that will vaguely fit into the lock cavity, insert it, then twist it

rapidly back and forth until the key breaks off, stuck in the lock.  Now is

the time to squirt glue into the lock.  The job is more permanent and more

costly to repair.

 

     If you tire of fooling with the locks, you can look elsewhere.  Marshall

Tanner, inventor of muffler bearings, says you can prop some large-headed

nails against the tires of your mark's car, especially if it's parked so it

will have to be backed up to get out of a parking stall in a lot.  The car

moves back and the wheels roll over the nails, puncturing tires.

 

     If your mark's married, you can have all sorts of sport with his ride.  A

male mark deserves that you slip sexy undergarments usually worn by a sexy

lady under his car's front seat or wedge them carefully into the back seat.

You could tear them a bit.  More than a hint of perfume or flavored douche

will always hype suspicion.  You can escalate this stunt somewhat if you buy

male underwear--get the sexy style in white--and place some lipstick smears

around the fly area.  You can help the campaign along by having a very trusted

lady friend call and ask nervously for the mark.  The younger she sounds, the

better.  Have her call several times.  Use your and the mark's wife's

imagination.

 

     If the mark is a woman, a pack of condoms carelessly hidden in the car is

always a sure-grow plant.  Several daint handkerchiefs of the type favored by

milady and heavily impregnated with semen can also be stuffed in the car.  As

with the male, a series of appropriately timed telephone calls from a nervous

male will add to the marital festivities between mark and spouse.

 

     In less carnal surroundings, if you can get to the distributor cap,

remove it and use graphite from a pencil to contact the rotor brushes.  The

charge will run along the graphite, causing the engine to misfire.  This could

cause the mark to dash into his local car butcher and get charged an

outrageous price for an unnecessary tuneup.

 

     A quick way to disable a car battery is to slip a couple of Alka-Seltzer

tablets or a teaspoonful of baking soda into each battery compartment.  The

antacid will kill the battery's power before you can say "Plop, plop, fizz,

fizz."

 

     Another camhead nasty is to take a pushpin and jab a few tiny holes

through spark-plug wires.  According to Lee H. Santana, a real straight

shooter in the dirty-tricks department, the pin pricks cause a hellishly

rumpety noise when the car is driven.

 

     Don't forget additives when working on a mark's car.  The nice thing

about additives is that you don't have to be odd or even to use them.  Many

experts, including some of Uncle Sam's khaki-clad nephews, suggest light

materials, such as crushed cork, as a great additive to the gasoline tanks of

vehicles belonging to people or institutions you don't like.

 

     One former professional trickster said, "It isn't to exotic, but a

handful of old leaves in the gas tank will bind the damn engine up too."

 

     Sand is not recommended because of its weight, especially when wet.  It

would sink to the bottom of the tank and not much would be introduced into the

engine, he explained.  The idea is to get the additive to the bearing

surfaces, where the coarse little buggers can kick and scratch up a mechanical

breakdown.  Silicone carbide, emery powder, and fine metal filings will work.

During World War II, our OSS used a mixture of finely ground cork, resins,

carborundums, and metal alloys to muck up an engine.

 

     Another method that could possibly send a driver off to a service station

would be to pour a gallon of shellac thinner into your targeted vehicle's

gasoline tank.  The alcohol will gather up all the water in the fuel trap, and

when this mixture goes through the fuel line it will cause the vehicle to

snort, stammer, and act as if it has big carb troubles.  By the time the

driver gets the vehicle to a mechanic, the problem has usually departed out

the exhaust pipe.  Done enough times, this one can redline the frustration and

credibility levels of both the driver and the mechanic.

 

     If you want to use additives in your mark's gasoline tank, yet are

concerned about arousing suspicion in daylight or in an otherwise

high-visibility area, simply adopt a cover prop.

 

     "Put the harmful additive in a metal gasoline can like they sell in

stores," advises Joey MacJohns, a veteran trickster.  "That way, any potential

witnesses will never really pay attention to what's happening; they'll simply

infer because you have a gas can that you're putting gas in the car."

 

     And don't forget oil additives.  Styrene, a colorless, oily liquid, is an

organic compound that is one of the two chemicals mixed together to make

hardened fiberglass.  Boat-supply stores and marinas have styrene available

for patching fiberglass boats.  It is also used in body shops and

upholstery-repair places.

 

     There are substitutes compounds that will do the same job as styrene, so

read the label when purchasing the stuff to make sure you're actually getting

styrene.  Styrene is the only sufficiently effective, commonly available

material that can be put into a car's crankcase to completely break down the

oil and ruin the engine.

 

     Styrene in the crankcase is far better that sugar in the gas tank because

it can't be seen after being introduced and because only a little does a

thorough job.  If it's used at the rate of one per four quarts of oil, the

treated vehicle will run about a hundred miles before the engine locks up

tight.

 

     This is a fairly high-risk stunt, but it could be fun if you don't get

nailed doing it, according to Bill Rally.  If you find that your mark is going

alone to a movie you have an hour or so to have some fun with his automobile.

If you're motivated enough to carry off this stunt, no one has to tell you how

to start the mark's car without a key.  After you start it, drive to some very

nice homes with pretty lawns.  But stay fairly near the theater, so you can

get back there in a hurry.  Do donuts, dig out, and otherwise use the car to

make a shambles of lawns, shrubbery, flower beds, etc.  Run over lawn

furniture, hit mailboxes, and try to frighten some old people by coming really

close to them with the car.

 

     This is a real hit-and-run mission.  Do your dirty driving fast and get

the car back to the theater parking area even faster.  Park it and leave.  If

you've done enough damage, all sorts of police reports will be out on the car.

The second or third question the police will ask the mark is whether he or she

has any witnesses for the movie alibi.

 

     That can be a real blast.  But if you want another sort of pop, dig

deeply into the potato bin for this one.  My thanks here go to all those great

truck farmers who say a potato jammed into a vehicle's exhaust pipe is not

explosive, but it will cause all sorts of nasty problems.  In one case, the

mark parked his car with the rear end towards his home.  His tormentor jammed

a fresh, hard spud tightly inot the car's exhaust pipe.  The mark started the

car on a cold evening and waited a few moments for the engine to warm.

Meanwhile, the hot gases, unable to escape, built up dangerously behind the

potato....Woom!...KABLOOM!...  With an explosive roar, the gases fired that

big, hot, hard potato right into the metal siding of the mark's home, just

fifteen feet away from the exhaust pipe, which acted as a cannon barrel.  The

holing and denting of the siding cost $150 and a day to repair.

 

     There are all sorts of other devices that make good muffler bombs.  A

firecracker may be shoved into the vehicle's exhaust pipe, pushing it along

with a stiff wire until the explosive device falls into the muffler.  It takes

only a few moments of driving with today's hot exhaust gases to explode the

firecracker.  Even a fairly small firecracker will cause panic, escpecially if

the driver is paranoid to start with.  If you want to destroy the muffler and

drive the mark's panic into the fantasy of having his/her car really bombed,

substitute an M80 or a shotgun shell for the prankish finger-sized

firecracker.

 

     If the violence and property destruction of this bothers you or causes

you to grimace, consider this next happy face.  Most mail-order and novelty

stores sell very realistic rubber-faced masks, resembling everything from an

ape man, through a drooling idiot, on down to a Ronald Reagan mask.  Select

one that looks especially gross--like an old man, or the idiot, or Richard

Nixon.  Position is so it looks realistic on the back of your head.  This

leaves your vision unobstructed.  Head for the road in your car.

 

     Just as another motorist overtakes your vehicle to pass you, lean out the

window.  The effect on the approaching motorist would be interesting to

observe, as that other driver will see a drooling goon looking back, directly

at him, with no apparent concern for the road ahead.  I bet very few cars

actually pass you with this stunt in operation.

 

     Taking the license plate off a mark's car can be a good shot, even you

don't want to steal the thing for other nefarious purposes.  How many times do

you look to see if the plate is on your car?  A cop has only to look once.  I

bet it would be fun to hear the mark's explanation of where his license plate

has gone.

 

     Don't you get really happy when some defective excuse for a human

suddenly pulls his/her vehicle out directly in front of yours or cuts you off?

Marty Mullin has a solution in hand.

 

     A delightful person, Mullin reveals, "I bought a top-quality pellet

pistol, one of those compressed-air guns, which I keep in my car.  You can use

either the cartridge or the pump type--just to be sure you get one with enough

power to penetrate metal.  Get a supply of the .177-caliber pellets, too.

Then, next time some dip pulls out in front of you, pull up behind the dip's

vehicle and get in his/her blind spot.  With a truck or van that's easy

enough.  Then you bring your pellet gun into action.

 

     "Plunk a shot into the mark's vehicle, the trunk for a car, or the back

of a van or rig.  If it's a big truck you can get in quite a few shots,

because the driver is not likely to hear them.  A van or car will make a

helluva TWHUNK when that pellet hits, so be cautious.

 

     "There's no discharge noise, because you're not using a firearm.  After

your attack, back off and proceed your business as if nothing has happened.

You probably have not taught the mark a lesson, but you feel better for what

you just did--I guarantee that."

 

     I asked Mullin about the posibility of hitting a passenger who is riding

in the back of the mark's vehicle.  He replied, "Then, that passenger also has

every right to be furious with the dippy mark for pulling out in front of

you."

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CB_RADIOS "CB Radios"

 

     Want to send your neighborhood CB nut a message?  This nut is the CB

addict who refuses to filter his/her equipment and thus disrupts TV, stereo,

AM/FM, and other normal communication for blocks.  Usually, these idiots are

about as sensitive to other people's feelings as Idi Amin was to the plight of

the poor.  In both cases a lesson is called for.

 

     To do this effectively, heed the lesson of Sterling Orco, who says you

must personally interdict the mark's CB antenna.  It would be well to do this

when the mark is away from the home area.  Unfasten the CB coax line from the

mark's antenna.  Then clip two leads of a regular 110-volt line to the CB

coax--one lead to the center conductor, the other lead to the shield.  Small

alligator clips will do nicely.  Then, hop down from your perch near the

antenna and plug the other end of the 110-volt wire into your mark's nearest

outdoor socket.

 

     Next time he/she turns on the CB and hits the transmit button...well,

words fail to describe the results adequately.  One comment--even the repair

people will shake their heads.

 

     A bit less destructive, but no less nasty, is the old pin-in-the-coax

trick.  You prick a tiny pin through the plastic outer cable and through the

shield.  Be sure it touches the center conductor.  Then cut the head off the

pin and push it in some more--out of sight.  The plastic should close behind

the pin, making the wound invisible.  Just make sure that the pin

short-circuits the center conductor to the metal outer shield.  Do a couple of

these along the coax between the antenna and the CB set.  It does stuttering

wonders for the transmission.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CHARITY "Charity"

 

     Charity begins at the home of your mark.  You simply volunteer his/her

services to the charity's recruiting chairperson, giving the name and address

of your mark.  These charity drives are so happy to get volunteers these days

that they will rarely verify your call.  That means the first contact the mark

has is when another volunteer shows up at the door with all sorts of campaign

and collection materials.  In many cases, the mark is too embarrassed to

refuse, and you've added to his/her workload.

 

     If you think that's a dirty trick to pull on a charity, ask them how many

cents out of each dollar go directly to the victims and other people who are

at the bottom of the line for help.  Besides, your mark might turn out to be a

great charity worker.

 

     You can call in generous pledges in your mark's name during telethons and

other charity drives.

 

     You can also call in pledges to bothersome telethons, using

double-entendre names.  For example, when one public-TV station held another

of its semiweekly fundraisers, several contributors announced over the air as

pledging financial support included Clint Toris, Seymour Kunt, Connie Lingus.

 

     Margie Kowalski used to work for the Salvation Army.  She suggests that

you call the local Salvation Army, Goodwill, or whatever charity and report

youp mark for stealing out of the organization's pickup boxes.  Report the

mark by his auto license number.  Say you work at one of the stores near the

collection box and you've seen the mark rob the box several times.  You can

also report this "crime" to the police.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CHEESE "Cheese"

 

     It's tried and true, but I bet you haven't heard of it since you were a

kid.  This one came from Alabama, the old Limburger-cheese-on-the-muffler-of-a

-new-car trick.  The exhaust manifold works well, too, as a surface for a

cheese spread.  Or you can simply place som of the same substance behind a

radiator in a home or office.  Once it's burned on, the smelly sour effect can

last for weeks, despite robust cleaning efforts.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CHILD_ABUSE "Child Abuse"

 

     I heard a real horror story recently where a truly evilminded teenager

[Hmmm...] swore to child-abuse officers in her county that her parents beat

her.  They hadn't and didn't.  Never mind; the bureaucrats came bouncing out

of the woodwork, and the harried parents had to appear in court to defend

themselves against the lies of a teenager with mental problems [Hmmm II...].

The parents were looked upon as villians, even though the judge dismissed the

charges as unfounded.  Their attorney (yes, they had to hire one to fight

government persecution) advised them against a jury trial because they'd lose

on the emotionalism of the issue, regardless of the facts.  Nice.

 

     All this leads up to the fact that you can report your mark as a

child-abuse offender.  Acting as a "concerned neighbor," you can tell the

authorities.  The hassle is unreal.  After you've done this, a few anonymous

letters to the mark's employer about the "child-abuse thing" will help out.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CIA "CIA"

 

     Your mark might have sneaky points you never thought about.  For example,

maybe your mark would make a good CIA employee.  You could easily find out.

Write a letter of application to the agency using your mark's name.  The

agency get hundreds of letters from would-be action agents, such as unemployed

gangsters, karate freaks, ex-soldiers, Walter Mitty types, etc.  I doubt that

they take many of these seriously, but they might be interested in talking

with a highly qualified technical person, such as an analyst, area expert,

journalist with oodles of foreign experience, language expert, or economist.

Advanced college degrees and military service abroad as an officer are fine

credentials for your mark.  Make up a good solid background.  It is probably

illegal for you to make a false application in your mark's name using phony

credentials.

 

     Send resumes to:  Personnel Representative

                       Central Intelligence Agency

                       Washington, D.C.  20505

 

     You can also send in an application in your mark's name for a CIA job at

the field office in the nearest city.  Yes, they are listed in the telephone

book.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CLASSIFIED_ADS "Classified Adverts"

 

     Classified advertisements in your local newspaper are inexpensive little

bullets that can cause major wounds to the mark's psyche if properly aimed.

For instance, suppose you had a score to settle with some bitchy neighbors.

You could insert a classified ad to "sell" their automobile.  Price it five

hundred dollars less than market value, instruct callers to call after midnight

(shift work is the explanation you can offer), and explain in the ad that quick

cash is needed for an emergency.  That will bring in the phone calls.

 

     You can also put your mark's house up for sale.  Again, ask potential

customers to either call or visit at hours that will be very inconvenient to

the mark.

 

     The "personals" in newspapers can provide even more fun.  Maybe your mark

ought to advertise for "young boy and girl models to pose for 'art' pictures."

You should use his/her home or business telephone here for return calls,

whichever would cause more difficulty for the mark.

 

     Placing ads is a snap.  Most newspapers let you do it right over the

phone, and most of the ad people I've talked to say they rarely verify a

classified ad.  Take a tip from that and don't make it outlandish.  As with any

practical joke, there has to be a credible amount of reality to the premise for

the sting to work.

 

     While you're thinking of newspapers, don't foget those sexy tabloids and

their really gross cousins that let readers advertise all sorts of weird sex

things.  I don't know whether any of that is on the level, but it's worth

finding out--in your mark's name, of course.  Maybe you'll be doing him/her a

favor.  But somehow I doubt it--there's no such thing as a free lunch.

 

     You might help the mark share his new friends' sexual talents.  Place an

ad in one of the target audience magazines--the publication that runs very

explicit and very honest classifieds.  If you're not sure, contact a local

sympathizer and ask him/her for help.

 

     You might write you ad copy like this:

 

     "Soft white male aged 35 wants to play with black lady with large

buttocks.  Bi-couples welcomed for Greek and French culture."

 

     You can really make bondage and S/M optional, depending upon reality, the

publication, its audience, and your mark.  You really ought to study the target

publication before you word the ad.  The kicker is that you will register the

mark as the sponsor of the classified ad.  Read a section of this book that

tells you about using a neighbor's address and the mark's name before you get

started.

 

     If you decide to run kinky classified ads for your mark in SCREW, BALL,

and whatever, be sure you get some copies of the issue in which the ad runs.

That way you can send originals or Xerox copies to the mark's neighbors,

relatives, business associates, and friends.  Enclose a brief note asking how

they can even admit knowing such a perverted person.  Offer to pray for them.

You could use the name and address of another friend, neighbor, or business

associate as the return address for this note.

 

     Help your mark out of the closet by running a classified announcement ad

in homosexual publications.  Have her/him grandly and proudly announce that he

or she is gay and has dated and/or married only for cover.  Now, he/she is

coming out and telling the world she/he has taken a lover--and name a friend,

neighbor, or business associate as that lover.  Libelous?  Yes, it is.  Don't

get caught.

 

     Using classified advertising, Bill Colbeley had an auction for one of his

many marks.  He followed the usual auction format to prepare the newspaper ad,

then ran it when the mark and his family were away for a weekend.  The ad was

one of those "Job transfer--everything must go--fanstastic bargains" types so

normal to an industrial community.  But let Sweet Old Bill tell the rest of his

story:

 

     "I set the time of the auction for 7:00 A.M., so that just as the sleepy

mark was rolling out of the sack about that hour, he looks out on his yard and

sees about three hundred salesgoers out there trampling all over his lawn,

garden, and flowers.  It took an hour for the mark and the police he called to

get the crowd out of there."

 

     Although it's not strictly a classified advertisement, the little

index-card notices that people place on bulletin boards in bars, supermarkets,

laundromats, and other public places are great ways to harass your mark.  Just

about anything you can use in a newspaper can be used on these more personal

notices.  But the advantages are, they don't cost anything but the time

required to prepare and post them, and you can be a lot more wordy,

descriptive, and personal than you can with a newspaper advertisement.  Folks

seem to read these very regularly too, as I know from my personal use of this

community advertising medium with legitimate messages.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CLERGY "Clergy"

 

     One of the most useful bits of armament in the trickster's arsenal is a

set of clerical garb.  Lenny Bruce proved how financially useful this disguise

is when he panhandled Miami dressed in a religious costume.  But then,

organized religion has known this for years, profitably practicing their old

proverb "Let us prey."

 

     Obtain and make use of overt religious garb.  It creates a wonderfully

secure and trustworthy image.  Drug marketeers often use priest and nun outfits

when moving dope.  In Ireland, weapons and explosives are smuggled by

kindly-looking middle-aged persons disguised as religious figures.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE COINS "Coins"

 

     If consumer attorney Dale Richards is correct, more Americans lose money

to coin-operated vending machines than lose money gambling or paying taxes to

the IRS.  What's also astounding is that so few people rise above simple

vandalism as a response.

 

     Richards explains, "Many vending companies are quite liberal in their

refund policy.  They don't question most refund requests.  However, getting

refunds is annoying to people, it takes time, and the machines shouldn't cheat

people in the first place."

 

     People who work for vending companies claim that customer vandalism is why

the machines don't work in the first place.  Critics claim that

vandalism-repair cost is built into the price for the goods and services you

get from coin machines.  I'm not here to adjudicate this debate, but to pass

along some alternative philosophy.

 

     Abbie Hoffman says that every time you drop a coin down the slot of some

vending machine you are losing money needlessly.  There are many inexpensive

foreign coins that will duplicate the American version and operate vending

equipment.  It may be tough to get some of these coins, because many legitimate

dealers look suspiciously upon attempted purchases of large numbers of cheapie

foreign coins.  You could tell them that you use them for jewelry.  Apparently,

many coins dealers are establishment snitches, so be careful.

 

     Here, according to Hoffman, are the more useful foreign coins.  The

Icelandic five-auran piece is the most effective substitute for an American

quarter.  They are hard to come by, since they are no longer minted.  The

Uruguayan ten-centisimo coin will also substitute for the U.S. quarter in a

variety of vendng machines, parking meters, telephones, toll gates,

laundromats, etc.  It does not work in cirgarette machines.  The Danish

five-ore piece works in just about anything but pop and cigarette machines.

 

     Dime-sized coins include the Malaysian penny, which works in a variety of

machines and devices that take a dime.  Some of the newer vending machines will

reject this dime substitute.  Another ersatz dime is the Trinidad penny.

 

     You might be able to have friends who travel abroad get you rolls of these

coins for collection purposes or to make jewelry.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE COMPUTERS "Computers"

 

     The computer won't really be human until it can make a mistake, then cover

up by blaming the error on some other helpless machine.  More than one critic

has pointed out that it is machines, not people, that both run and ruin our

society.  It seems perfectly proper, then, to seek vengeance against these

tyrannical mechanical masters of ours.  Most of us have the advantage when

fighting a machine, because we can reason, we can note shades of gray, and we

can think abstractly, beyond a set program.  Machines cannot do this, unless

some person translates these abstractions into programmed sets of yes or no.

 

     The classic way of fighting a computer is to punch a few extra holes in

the computer card.  This, of course, screws up the system, and the computer

regurgitates your card.  A supervisor must handle the situation manually, which

costs money and time.  People punch these extra holes in cards using a keypunch

machine at a nearby school, or they simply and carefully cut a keypunch pattern

with an X-acto art knife.

 

     This sticky trick delights repair people, in addition to you.  Place a

large strip of Scotch tape on several computer cards.  The slippery surface

causes cards to fall off the track and into the bowels of the machine.  A

repair person has to come and perform mechanical surgery on the machine to

remove your fatal paper bullets that felled the machine.  This sort of dirty

trick can tie up equipment for several hours of very, very costly down time.

 

     Should the opportunity arise that you have a few secure moments with some

reels of computer tapes and you want to screw up whoever or whatever controls

the data on these tapes, you might try passing a portable electromagnet back

and forth across the tapes.  It erases them just the way a bulk eraser cleans

off you audio tapes at home.  In many cases computer-tape records are the only

records kept by many companies and schools.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CONTRACTORS "Contractors"

 

     Just suppose your new home wasn't quite what the contractor ordered and

promised.  If you're lucky, you'll discover this sad fact before he's done

working on the house.  If not, you'll have to chase him to his next job site.

I once went through that many years ago, and it can be fun.

 

     Anyway, here's what you do.  Erect a huge sign on your lot that says

something like, BUY THIS UNDER-CONSTRUCTED, POORLY DONE HOME--CHEAP.  Display

the contractor's name and telephone number prominently.  When he comlains, tell

him you wouldn't think of subjecting your family to the horrors of living in

such a poorly constructed dump, and if he buys it you'll take down the sign.

Have a list of things you think are wrong with the house.  You have already

shown him your list if you had to eventually resort to the big sign.  Show him

again.  The heading of the list should state his name, address, and telephone

number along with your general beef about the poor quality of his work,

followed by the specific complaints.  Mimeograph this list so your contractor

will think you're handing them out faster than a politician's calling card.

It's worked well in the past.  You should get your grievances satisfied.

 

     A man calling himself Hank suggests one for the construction trade.  He

says that if your mark is building anything from concrete and you or your

allies have access to that concrete before it is poured, add concentrated

hydrochloric acid to it.  Hank claims, "I've seen it work--it causes slow but

continual deterioration of the structure from corrosion."

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE CREDIT_CARDS "Credit Cards"

 

     Designed as a credit convenience for consumers and a big profit turner for

business, credit cards are impersonal pieces of plastic whose power potential

can be awesome.  The only way to use a credit card intelligently is to pay off

each month's balance, avoiding the outrageously high interest charges.  But

even paying on time doesn't always guarantee perfection.

 

     You are dealing with computers when you use credit cards.  God help you if

the computer rings you up as owing more money than you do or if the computer

slaps you with late payment, resulting in an interest charge.  Yes, there are

consumer-protection laws designed to help you.  But as more than a few people

will tell you, there is often a great deal of difference between principal and

principle.

 

     Kathy Ross had a bad time with magazine-subscription service through which

she ran a credit-card charge.  Not only did her new subscriptions get mixed up

with renewals, but she was charged for items she never ordered.  She followed

the consumer-protection rules, and within seven months she was being billed for

fifty dollars in interest charges alone, still didn't have the subscription

mess straightened out, and was getting dunning letters from the credit-card

company, calling her irresponsible.  Computers didn't understand her human

pleas for logical service.  Kathy never did get justice.  She paid the charges,

finally giving up because "it was easier."

 

     If you can get the mark's credit-card number, order a huge bunch of

mail-order merchandise for him/her.  Use the telephone to order things too.

The secret here, according to a former security agent for one of the card

companies, is to keep the amount of each individual purchase under forty

dollars, because telephone confirmations are made on greater amounts.  Just

make hundreds of forty-dollar purchases in a short time.

 

     Using the mark's credit-card information to place telephone orders

involves some investigation, according to Robert Schoster, a master

manipulator.  Sometimes, Schuster will simply call the mark's home, pretending

to be a verification clerk at some local credit union or bank.  Schuster gives

the mark's full name and address, then asks the mark or the mark's spouse to

please verify the credit-card numbers.  If it works, and Schuster says it does

ninety-nine percent of the time, you are now ready to order all sorts of goods

and services on behalf of the mark.

 

     If you don't have his/her credit-card number and you feel honest, don't

steal with it.  Go a step beyond and report the mark's card as stolen.

Pretend you are the mark.  That will cause some upset for the real mark when

he/she tries to use the card a week or so later.

 

     This is fraud, but one recycled Yippie who is now billed as a professional

psychic for the various supermarket tabloids told me how he applied for and got

various credit cards merely by lying on his application.  Easily getting cards,

he would run the credit to the extreme and beyond on the cards, survive the

corporate dunning letters, then move to a new location without benefit of

forwarding address.  Despite my doubts, several corporations I asked denied

that they passed along these losses to the rest of us in the form of outrageous

intrest charges.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE DELIVERY_OF_CONSUMABLES "Delivery Of Consumables"

 

    For years kids have ripped off beer distributors' trucks, pizza wagons,

etc.  The scam is to call the place from a pay phone and give them a fake name

in some high-rise apartment.  Give them the pay-phone number and stick around

there for a while, since some places call back to confirm orders.  When the

truck arrives with the order, and while he is up there trying to find a

nonexistent customer, you could help yourself to what's left in the truck.

 

     Why would anyone want rip off an innocent beer-delivery truck or pizza

wagon?  Fred Littman has one reason, saying "I ordered a pizza at one place

locally, and it was awful.  I spoke with the manager, and he told me to get

lost and refused to give me my money back.  I figured I had some free pizza

coming to make up for that."

 

     Lefty Gaylor has another reason:  "We swipe beer from only one

distributor, because everyone knows he's a big Mafia type, and they rip off

everyone else, so why not steal from them?"

 

     Isn't stealing from the Mafia dangerous?

 

     "Not if you don't get caught, and this one's too dumb to know any better.

He blames the drivers, and they get mad and figure if they're gonna get blamed,

they might as well steal beer from him.  That way we multiply our efforts."

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE DIRTY_OLD_MEN "Dirty Old Men"

 

    If you know some jerk who's a terminal lecher, not just a dirty old man,

but a truly, grossly obnoxious swine, the following is a sure-fire method

that's right on target.  You need either three or four associates, depending on

whether you personally want to go into the field on this one.  One of your

associates must be a comely young lady.

 

     The drill goes like this.  The mark is told about the young lady.  She is

described as being either an unfaithful wife or a hot-to-trot daughter,

depending on the age and circumstance.  The mark is told she has eyes and

everything else for him, and that if he wants to have a lot of heavy action,

you or an associate will make the introduction.

 

     As you approach the fateful house on the evening decided upon, you or

your associate, acting as a "guide," must stress that the husband or father is

a fiery and jealous man and that she takes you on as a secret lover because of

insatiable lust, etc.  Build up both the sexual suspense and the thrill of the

forbidden.  You have to get his adrenaline and imagination cooking really well.

 

     The mark and his guide are at the door and the sweet young thing opens it

and moans out a greeting.  She should be dressed--or undressed--in the

appropriate fashion.  The mark should have just enough time to wet his lips and

survey her architectural lines.  About the time his eyes bug is time for the

next act.

 

     Instantly, a large man comes roaring around the corner of the house,

bellowing in rage about the honor of his wife or daughter.  The guide screams

in shrill terror, "Run!  Run like hell!  It's the husband [or father]!"

 

     As the mark and guide start to dash away, a couple of shots are fired, and

the guide falls.  As he falls, he screams to the mark, "Jesus, keep running!

He's killed me!"  Another shot rings out; then all is silent.

 

     All is not really silent.  The mark's heart is probably thudding against

his chest like a caged elephant.  It's a great idea to carry on with this

scenario for a few days, with you or another conspirator, who has been

undercover, keeping the mark apprised of the guide's condition from the

supposed gunshot wound.  It would also be good to float the rumor that the

father or husband is spending all his time looking for "the other bastard who

got away."

 

     The mark won't stop his fearful shakes long enough to wonder why the

police haven't arrested the husband or father.  Maybe, when he does come to

this logical question, he will call the police and ask for protection.  This

scam turns a lot of corners before the mark finally realizes that he's been

had.  The police probably won't be as amused as you are, but you'll not know

about that.  The mark will.

 

     If you know the right street people, and if you're going into dirty tricks

you must know them, you will have trickster access to ladies with social

diseases.  Some of the veterans of the streets will help you out between

treatments for a price.  Younger, less-experienced ladies don't know they have

the diseases, but their pimp or madam does.  Think how much fun it would be if

you could hire one of these venereal versions of Typhoid Mary to dazzle, pick

up, and seduce your mark.  This scam has been pulled off successfully by at

least four people I know personally.  It is not that hard if you plan, bargain,

and buy ahead.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE DRUGS "Drugs"

 

    Once, a very close friend of mine was badly hurt by a former employee who

not only had been stealing from the company, but when the employee left, she

said and did some terrible things that damaged my friend personally and

professionally.  Revenge was the best medicince, and he did extract his dose.

 

     He waited a year to get even.  It was worth it.  The woman has moved to

another job in a city about two hundred miles away, in the next state.  Having

access to drugs, my friend got a small amount of cocaine and planted it in her

car during a special visit to the other city for just that purpose.  He then

used a pay phone to call police and give them the lady's name.  He told them

that she'd just burned him on a drug deal and that he was turning her in

because of it.

 

     As this is written, the case is going to court.  Happily for my friend,

this female actually had a bit of marijuana on her person when she got busted

for the planted coke.  Talk about good luck.  The third stroke of luck was that

this bust took place in New York State.  He has followed the case through the

other city's newspaper and through a friend.  He says the police aren't buying

her story of innocence.  The best part is that by now, she can't think of

anyone who would have a motive to hurt her.

 

     Having drugs around is a very dangerous risk.  But if the stakes are

right, it can become a very serious business for the mark.  You should know

that your call to the police will be recorded.  Disguise you voice mechanically

by using a rerecording tape, or inhale some helium from a balloon just before

you make the call, since it will alter you voice totally.  If you're a good

thespian, try to use a foreign or regional accent.  Speak very softly, also.

Don't stay on the line for more than thirty to forty-five seconds.  Do your

number and hang up.

 

     An old head like William Harvey would get a chuckle from this, if he were

still with us to enjoy it.  If his mark was straight or naive about dope, Bill

thought it was fun to mail him/her bagfuls of chopped weeds, oregano, etc.,

with some incense sprinkled on for scent.  As an added touch he included one or

two joints rolled using the bogus weed, with a note saying, "Enjoy the samples

on me."

 

     These materials were mailed to the mark's home address using a slight

variation in the spelling of the name.  Ideally, the mark thought she/he had

been confused as an innocent dupe in a dope deal.  After a day or two, Harvey

had a male with a rough, raspy voice call the mark to ask if some package had

been misdirected to him/her by accident.  The caller suggested that other,

nastier accidents might happen if the mark did anything uncool like calling the

authorities.  Naturally, the mark already had done this.  What would you expect

a mark-type person to do?  After all, that's how people get to be marks.

 

     As a postgraduate version of this scam, Harvey used to send a package

containing some suspicious-looking white crystalline powder (sometimes with a

touch of brown) using the same bit just described.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE ENVIRONMENTAL_RAPISTS "Environmental Rapists"

 

    If you dislike land rapists, such as big developers, big real estaters,

gas and oil drillers, etc., then your first order of business is to read Edward

Abbey's THE MONKEY WRENCH GANG, twice.  The first time you read for fun and

pleasure; the second reading might be for tactics, as in a manual.  For

example, if you've had unpleasant dealings with utility companies "creating

progress" in your area, for example building roads, drilling gas or oil wells,

stripping coal, deep mining, etc. you know the feelings.  The monkey wrenchers

have an answer.

 

     Note the advice of one of Abbey's protagonists:

 

     "Always pull up survey stakes.  Anywhere you find them.  Always.  That's

the first goddamned general order in this monkey wrench business.  Always pull

up survey stakes."

 

     He should have added that you should always disguise the dirt from the

stake hole, tamp it down, and disguise the scar, so the enemy cannot simply

replace the stake.  A further suggestion would be to move the survey

stakes...perhaps enough that a lawsuit could be instituted against the

environmental rapists.

 

     According to a Cat operator I shared several lemonades with a few times,

Karo syrup poured into the fuel tank of heavy machinery is enough to deadline

the equipment for a thorough bit of maintenance.

 

     "It'll turn to solid carbon, that syrup, and seize the engine up tight.

It makes a helluva mess of an engine.  I'd suggest about three to four quarts

per tankful.

 

     "Now look, though," he cautioned, his eyes glinting hard enough to stare

open clam shells at a hundred yards, "if you did that to my own machine I'd

come after you hard.  But if it was a company machine or if they'd leased my

machine, hell, I'd probably buy you a drink afterward!"

 

     In the summer of 1978, about 150 angry farmers in Minnesota held a

beer-and-hot-dog party to celebrate the coming of the "bolt weevils."  The

party and the "weevils" cost a utility giant a quarter of a million dollars.

 

     The farmers were fighting mad over the invasion of the huge utility

conglomerates who were running their power towers and lines across the

countryside, ruining farms and dairy operations.  All legal and moral efforts

to oppose this land rape failed.  That's when the "bolt weevils" came to the

farmers' rescue.

 

     After beating off state police by using Wrist Rocket slingshots to fire

ball bearings at patrol-car windows, the farmers brought out their wrenchs and

cutting tools.  Soon, after two of the 150-foot-tall, hundred-thousand-dollar

transmission towers lay smashed on the ground, victims of the "bolt weevils."

 

     A dozen years ago, these farmers were staunch, conservative Americans,

firmly behind "their" government, and they claim that the radicals of the

sixties were right.  That's comforting, at last.

 

     One farmer says, "The goddamn government's playing red herring, bleating

about Arab terrorists and weathermen and the underground.  Hell, it's the

people -- us, the little people -- they better watch out for.  We're the

revolutionaries, and we're ready to fight.

 

     "They may finish this power line and others, but the greedy, land-raping

bastards will never keep it in operation.  There's not enough guards for that.

And more people are coming around to our way."

 

     You could almost hear an echo of "All the power to the people," with not

hint of a pun.

 

     A major gas company was ripping and raping all over the countryside, using

the national need for natural gas as its excuse for avarice.  One landowner

whose livestock were distupted by the gas-drilling operation decided to get

even, quietly.

 

     Farmer Dale explained, "I knew a little bit about the state environmental

regulations, so I decided to help the gas company violate as many of them as I

could, even if it mean sacrificing a few things of my own.

 

     "Late one evening, I kicked over the hose from their fuel tank and opened

the valve.  By morning, the result was nearly seven hundred gallons of diesel

fuel in the stream below my place.  It took members of the sportmen's club

about a mile downstream two hours to get state officials out there to the well

site.  Because of a phone call I'd made earlier, the local newspaper sent a

reporter, too.

 

     "Later that day, I dumped my barrel of old crankcase oil on the drilling

access road, and you should have seen the foreman's pickup when it hit that

oil.  He slammed through my cornfield.  I acted really wild, raising hell about

first polluting our stream, then wrecking my crops and spilling oil on the

road.  He was shook up to beat hell and blamed his own truckers for leaking

oil.  I billed their company for three-hundred dollars in damages, and he

endorsed the bill for payment right there."

 

     Farmer Dale did some other things that week, like move and replace those

"Underground Cable" markers used by the power and phone companies to mark

buried wires.  Naturally, the driller's dozer tore up the real wires, creating

further havoc.  He sprayed weed killer on his own crops, within a hundred-yard

radius of the gas well, then raised hell witht the state agricultural people.

He submitted a bill for a thousand dollars for damaging his crops, although the

gas company balked -- at first.

 

     "Finally I dumped some chemicals in my old well and had the water tested

(he had had the water tested prior to the drilling, of course) by the county.

They reported it had gotten polluted during the time the gas well was being

drilled.  I turned it all over to my attorney at this time."

 

     His attorney filed to have the drilling permit revoked and also to sue the

company for huge damage settlements.  The case was settled out of court,

allowing the company to finish its rape, yet at a very high price, including

unlimited free gas and a lot of cash for Farmer Dale.

 

     Another combatant in the never-ending war between the land rapists and

landowners or environmentalists borrowed the old OSS tire-spike idea, married

it to the Malay gate of Indochinese fame, and put some heavy vehicles on the

shelf for a while.  Angered because the well drillers for a natural-gas company

were filling their mammoth water-tank trucks from a trout stream that ran

through his property, a landowner spiked their plans.  He took a two-inch-thick

piece of twelve-inch board and pounded five ten-inch housing spikes through it.

The board was about eighteen inches long.  He did the same thing to another

board.

 

     The ambush site was the deeply rutted pull-off spot the heavy water trucks

used when they sucked thousands of gallons of good water from the clean stream.

The giant trucks had callously dug deep ruts, which filled with water from

their sloshing loads.  Our combatant placed his spiked boards tips upward, into

the ruts.  He did this on a random schedule over a one-month period, disabling

a total of seven trucks and finally forcing the land rapists and their trucks

to another fill-up point.

 

     As a postscript, he enjoyed this activity so much that he built dozens of

the spike devices and became a traveling one-man hit squad, placing the traps

whenever he saw evidence of the heavy water-tank trucks.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE EXPLOSIVES "Explosives"

 

    Now that the feds have outlawed fireworks, you'd better save all the M80s

you can find.  Extremely versatile devices, M80s are excellent propellants for

other substances.  For example, this stunt started out as a dorm prank at

Clapper Packer University but soon escalated into more deadly sport, which went

like this.  Put some fresh feces, the looser the bettter, into a large Baggie.

Gently break the glass on a large-wattage lightbulb, but do not disturb the

filament.  Even more gently attach the filament to the fuse of the M80.  Screw

the bulb carefully back into a ceiling socket.  Finally, move the bag of feces

up and around the light fixture.  Be certain the fuse and filament do not touch

the feces, but see that the M80 is into the substance.  Tape the bag to the

ceiling.

 

     Naturally, all this presupposes you have access to the mark's room or to a

room where the mark is likely to be the one who comes in and turns on the

light.  One cautionary note:  Be sure the light switch is off when you screw in

the bulb.  If it's not, you have about four seconds to avoid getting nasty

coverage from the M80's blast.  Done correctly, this is a spectacular stunt.

As the designer of this one, George Dierk adds, "You don't have to limit your

spatter substance to feces.  Paint, cheap perfume, acid, and CS gas all have

their place."

 

     Gun powder has a lot of uses in addition to filling up a portion of

cartridges.  If your mark has an outdoor barbecue, you could sprinkle a cup of

old-fashioned black powder around the bottom of the grill.  When the powder

ignites it will do so with a huge, whooshy flash, accompanied by a great white

cloud of smelly smoke.  I would hate to imagine the multiple effects of such a

pyrotechnical display on one of those fancy grills powdered by LP gas.  Wow!

 

     Don't let your imagination rest with the cookout grill.  Remember

fireplaces, wood stoves, ovens, etc.  The experts suggest you use black powder

rather than the more modern smokeless powders.  Black powder really works!

 

     If you can't get a regular smoke-bomb device, a smoke grenade, or

something real from the military, make your own.  According to Doctor Abraham

Hoffman, the noted chemist, you combine four parts sugar to six-parts saltpeter

(potassium nitrate).  You heat this mixture over a very low flame until it

starts to blend into a plastic substance.  When it begins to gel, remove it

from the heat and allow it to cool.  He suggests you stick a few wooden match

heads into the mass while it's still pliable.  You also add a fuse at this

point.  The smoke device is nonexplosive and nonflammable.  But a pound of this

mixture will produce enough thick smoke to cover a city block.  Watch which way

the wind blows.

 

     John E Warrenburger likes to mess up people's nervous systems.  One of his

favorite nonlethal tricks involving nonexplosives is a good bit of cardiac

theater.

 

     John says, "I bundle a few of those road flares -- the ones in the red

jackets -- together and wrap them with black plastic tape.  Connect this with

some coiled wiring to a ticking alarm clock and place it so your mark will get

the full visual and aural effect.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE FILLERS "Fillers"

 

     Trickster Aynesworth Belin is thrilled with the recent introduction of the

super-foam products.  These are urethane-and-resin compounds, usually in a

spray can, which billow out and expand into a mass at least thirty times the

original volume.  They harden quickly, often within five minutes.  Another

version is a two-part liquid that when mixed does even more astounding things.

One quart will give you the equal of 150 pounds of plaster.

 

     A gallon of super foam will make eight cubic feet of the ultrastrong

material, which is water, erosion, and corrosion proof, as well as heat and

cold resistant.  The irony is that these products have been marketed by major

corporations for various legitimate filler jobs.  They rely on advertising and

societal brainwashing to make certain the lulled citizens use the product only

for its duly intended purpose.  If there was ever a product that belongs in the

arsenal of the dirty trickster, this one is it.  I took an informal survey of

fifteen hardware stores in my area.  All had the product in stock.  Yet one

clerk told me, "Most [buyers] are young kids...got no good use in mind."

 

     I bet some of them have a very good use to mind.  What can I say but, "Try

it, you'll like it," even if the mark won't?

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE FORGERY "Forgery"

 

     Forgery is a fine art form, very useful to the trickster.  During World

War II, for example, the British Security Coordination often forged

letterheads, documents, and official cables to thwart Hitler's efforts in the

early dark days of 1939 through 1941.  Some of their efforts were spectacular,

especially in South America, working covertly with sympathetic American

officials, officially neutral at that time.  Some of their tactics are highly

adaptable to today's dirty trickster.  Full details are yours for the reading

in A MAN CALLED INTREPID.  Another excellent reference is THE NEW PAPER TRIP,

which will give you everything you need to know about forging to get even.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE GARAGE_SALES "Garage Sales"

 

     Ever have a garage sale?  Ever been to one?  They're incredible, and they

seem to bring out the most in worst people.  Even I, a thick-skinned, terminal

misanthrope, was awed at the gall of some people who demand to see your entire

house or who pound on your door at 6:00 A.M. to get a "head start" on a garage

sale you announced in the paper starting at 9:00 A.M.  Getting the message?

 

     Let's have a garage sale at your mark's residence.  Or let's have it in

your mark's name but at the neighbor's address.  List all sorts of outlandish

bargains and tell people you have guns, old china, glassware, and dozens of

inexpensive antiques.  You want obnoxious gawkers, not buyers.  Remember that!

Naturally, the mark and/or the neighbor will know nothing of this until the

first knock on the door at 6:00 A.M.

 

     "I used to get all sorts of odd-hour calls from home-remodeling-and-repair

salespeople at this one local company," recalls Jim Kenslogger.  "I must have

called them a half dozen times to ask that my name and number be removed from

their files.  No luck.  So I decided to change my luck.

 

     "I learned who their chief executive was and pulled the bogus-garage-sale

number on him, complete with newspaper ad.  Then I started calling his home at

odd hours, asking if he were the party having the garage sale.  He was really

out of sorts after about a week of this.

 

     "I stopped, and about ten days later I got another routine sales call from

his company.  I called right back, asked to speak to that executive, and told

him I was damn tired of being bothered by his salespeople and could he get them

to stop calling me.  He pledged he would and told me wearily, 'Buddy, I know

just how you feel.  I'll surely take care of it for you.'  I had no trouble

after that, so neither did he."

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE GASES "Gases"

 

    A serious dirty trickster should have a supply of ammonium sulfide.  This

liquid is loads cheaper to buy than milk, booze, or gasoline.  It smells so

awful that no one, not even the most terminal of coke sniffers, can stand to be

around it once it has been brought into play.  It may be sprayed or vaporized.

Using this stuff as a base, Kurt Saxon offers a very effective formula for

making your own stinkum in his book THE POOR MAN'S JAMES BOND.  The stuff is so

potent that it should have to be registered somehow with someone.  Phew.  But

it's easy to make, and as long as it's harassing your mark's glands, what do

you care?

 

     A little leave-behind hostess present can be a small, uncapped bottle of

butyric acid.  Propped near the door you're closing, it will be knocked over

when the mark enters the room.  Phew.

 

      Crowd-dispersal devices are also good choices for the trickster's

arsenal.  These include spray cannisters, gas grenades, pens, and other

chemical-dispensing weapons.  Many of these items may be purchased over the

counter in some states.  They're generally sold under a variety of trade names

and generally contain CS gas, which is a military version of tear gas.  If you

obtain it without undue risk, MACE is an excellent choice.  Many manuals tell

you how to make your own MACE.

 

     You can buy many of these materials by mail order.  Check current shipping

regulations and any laws against these devices in your own area first, of

course.  One of the best mail-order companies in this business is American

Colonial Armament, P.O. Box F, Chicago Ridge, Illinois 60415.  If you are or

can appear to be a law-enforcement official you can have access to a veritable

smorgasbord of sophisticated gas weapons by getting a catalog from the F.

Morton Pitt Company, at 1444 S. San Gabriel Blvd., San Gabriel, California

91776.  Finally, if you prefer to brew up your own gases, get a copy of Kurt

Saxon's classic book THE POOR MAN'S JAMES BOND.  He tells you how to do it all

in your own kitchen workshop.  You can get his book from Atlan Formularies,

P.O. Box 438, Eureka, California 95501.

 

     From Elmer Bill, our gardening editor, comes the charming advice that

spray cans of Raid and other insecticides provide you with an improvised

defensive weapon.  The stuff burns the eyes badly and will fire an eight- to

ten-foot spray.

 

     This buffet of gaseous ideas is method only.  The rationale behind why you

would use such tactics is your own business, of course.  But at times when

people or institutions have done you dirty -- a dose or so of noxious gas may

help set the record straight for you.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE GRAFFITI "Graffiti"

 

    Contrary to popular belief, some people -- usually the creepy ones you

want for this stunt -- do call names and numbers found in bar restrooms.

Harvey Rankin and Festerwald Ray proved this premise in their study SCRAWL ON

THE WALL.  What you learn from them is that you should write you mark's

spouse's first name and phone number and a boldly stated sexual attraction (use

your imagination) in every restroom of every bar in town.  Biker and jock bars

are usually the best.

 

     As a follow-up, you can tune in your tape deck to a pop country song, call

the number yourself, and sound drunk.  If you're lucky, the mark will answer.

Tell the mark why you're calling and where you got the name and number.  It is

hoped that you'll be the only ringer among a large crowd of real callers.

 

     Commercial graffiti are available in a form known as billboards and

posters.  You could have posters or billboards printed to announce your mark's

coming out of the homosexual closet.  Or your bogus billboard could announce a

conservative political candidate's personal advocacy of gun control, gay

rights, blacks, Chicanos, abortion, etc.  Your political candidate may actually

support busing.  If so, you billboard for him should indicate his violent

opposition to it.  And so on.

 

     Bumper stickers are another form of graffiti.  You can get bogus ones

printed in the same manner as billboards and posters.   Or you can use

legitimate purposes, such as slapping strongly adhesive bumper stickers that

champion your political canidate -- mark to the painted rear-deck surfaces of

automobiles in a shopping-mall lot.  It might be fun sometime to sit around

thinking up other creatively rotten things you could do with bumper stickers to

get even with someone.

 

     For example, you could get bumper stickers printed that say, GAY IS

GREAT...TRY IT, and place these on the automobiles of local bikers, right

wingers, clergy, and others who feel threatened by homosexuals.  You could get

bumper stickers that say, HONK IF YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE TOO, and put them on the

autos of marks whom you feel are qualified.  BAN HANDGUNS or HUNT HUNTERS

bumper stickers go great on the property of redneck gun nuts.  Or put NRA

FOREVER! and JUST TRY TO TAKE MY GUN AWAY! on the property of the simple and

misguided wimps who really think gun control serves any useful purpose.

 

     Other fun bumper stickers can say things like, BEER DRINKERS GET MORE

HEAD; SUCK MY TAILPIPE; HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY; HOORAY FOR THE KKK; or

DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES.  Stickers featuring swastikas or Soviet flags can also

be used creatively.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE HIGHWAYS "Highways"

 

    An activist can have fun on the roadway, too.  Can you imagine the damage

possible if one were to substitute a road sign that read, GROSS WEIGHT 15 TONS,

for the original sign on a bridge that read GROSS LOAD 5 TONS?  One protesting

employee did this at his employer's Ohio plant and had materials shipments shut

down for eight days.

 

     In World War II, it was common for enemy agents on all sides to turn road

signs so as to misdirect military convoys, screwing up operations.  The same

tactic could be used today, even if your only enemy is some governmental branch

or agency.

 

     In the annals of highway history no one has seen the equal of the many low

points of the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation, traditionally a

repository for political hacks, Mafia underlings, patronage hogtroughers, and

the terminally incompetent.  M. Harvey Shopp, a veteran political trickster,

has all sorts of suggestions for highway fun such as painting sawhorses to look

like official blockades and using them to close highways, bridges, etc.

 

     Another of Shopp's ideas is to produce bogus DETOUR signs and place them

at strategic locations where they will be sure to screw up highway traffic.

 

     The road woes of Allen McDonald illustrate the rationale behind these

moves.  Whenever the county in which he lived did road repair to the bridge

near his home, they always parked their equipment in his yard.  When county

road scrapers went by, they piled a line of debris high enough to close his

driveway.  In winter, they also closed his own freshly shoveled driveway, this

time with ice-hard snow and frozen slush.  All calls to county officials were

answered with only the uncaring and operationally impotent cluckings of the

tongue.

 

     "I decided to return some of the favors," McDonald said.  "I began to turn

road and other directional signs around.  I stole a couple of BRIDGE OUT signs

in another county and placed them in front of perfectly good bridges in our

county.  I once called the local radio station and announced several road

repairs that would mandate detours -- telling them I was a county road super,

of course -- which really screwed up local traffic for a couple of days.

 

     "The upshot is that the county got a lot of nasty calls and even more bad

media publicity, and the county commisioners agreed to investigate these

problems 'caused' by the road people.  Naturally, in the midst of all this I

also brought up my beefs about their conduct, offering to testify at the

hearings.  All abuses against my property quickly stopped.  So I stopped my

counter-abuse program."

 

     Check the "Joggers" section of this book to learn about the OSS tire

spikes of World War II infamy.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE HOOKERS "Hookers"

 

    In many cities independent business people have set up a personal service

whose employees make housecalls.  These paid friends come in all sexes and meet

all tastes.  It might be fun to invite one of these hedonistic harlots to

"your" house.  Use the mark's name and a neighbor's address.  Try to pick the

most upright, puritan neighbor you can find to receive this sexual good

Samaritan -- a professional virgin or librarian; something on that order.

 

     Not all prostitutes carry the Good Housekeeping Seal; some carry venereal

diseases.  These are fairly common among streetwalkers, the bargain basement of

hookerdom.  If you or a trusted friend in law enforcement, medicine, or social

service can locate one of these carnal carriers and your mark has a weakness

for ladies, hire her and let her pick up your mark.  Nature, as they say, will

take care of the rest.

 

     I'm certain your vengeful imagination will have no trouble matching a

deserving mark with a paid friend who might give him/her more than bargained

for.  I know a couple of people who set up a cop this way.  The cop was

especially hypocritical and nasty about honest working girls:  He'd fully and

freely sample the services before busting and totally prosecuting the servicer.

He got his, so to speak.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE HOTELS "Hotels"

 

    Suppose you are staying at a hotel and get into a bad beef over the poor

quality of the meal you get in their restaurant.  After trying to be

reasonable, here is how Ralph Charell, a champion-class advocate for the little

guy, handled it.  Seeing absolutely no satisfaction and no end of snobbish

treatment, Charell took the following steps.  He requested a deposit box in the

hotel safe and placed the offending rib roast, which he felt was of poor

quality, in the box and locked it.  The box had two separate locks and two

separate keys.  One was held by the hotel, the other by Charell.

 

     "At this point, the hotel management has absolutely no idea what I'd

placed in the box," Ralph Charell explained.  "I told them it was valuable

evidence in a possible legal action I was considering against an organization

with whom I was having a disagreement about the quality of one of their

products."

 

     In a short time, someone at the desk caught the disagreeable odor of decay

coming from the area of the safe.  Within another short time, Charell was

called by the manager and asked to clear whatever was in the box out of the

box.  Charell explained about the "evidence" in this legal action.  The hotel

manager threatened to force open the box anyway.  Charell reminded him of the

laws against destroying evidence, then explained the whole situation.

 

     "What do you want from me, Mr. Charell?" was the manager's beaten reply.

 

     Ralph Charell then reported the details of the dinner he and his party had

had at the hotel.  It takes a real expert like Ralph Charell to turn a trick

into something positive for all sides.

 

     In Homer City, Pennsylvania, a group of the locals told about the time a

fellow had a room at a nearby boardinghouse.  He was the pompous sort of

smartass who just begged to be dirty tricked.  The locals went to a junkyard

and brought a huge gang plow.  It was in pieces and was relatively easy for

these husky lads to put in the mark's rooms.  They assembled it and welded the

pieces together with a small, portable machine.  They and their machine left.

There was a great deal of consternation on the part of the mark and the

landlord, who parted company faster than the room and the plow.  Automobiles

and other bits of large machinery work equally well in rooms and apartments

today.

 

     A collegiate trick reported by Whitney Clapper called for hiding small

dead things, such as mice, sparrows, or moles, in out-of-the-way places in the

marks rented room.  Good secret places include light fixtures, inside switch

boxes, unused overcoat pockets, and inside appliances.  Within a few days, the

mark will be aware that something is wrong.  A few more days, and he'll be

sure.  Left unattended, this stunt will provide the mark with a mass of pet

maggots to raise.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE HOMES "Homes"

 

    All sorts of things have homes -- snails, snakes, groundhogs, weasels,

Japanese beetles, even marks.  One vengeful way of getting even with a mark is

to destroy the moat to the castle of his/her home.  The idea is to hit close to

home, for both physical and the psychological destruction involved.

 

     One example started at the apartment of Pat Konely.  Because the landlord

refused to make needed roof repairs, seceral rainstorms flooded Konely's

apartment, damaging personal property.  The landlord also refused to pay

damages, and Konely didn't have the money to fight the landlord's attorney.

 

     Pat Konely admits the response wasn't very funny, but it did put a damper

on the mark's day and his own home.  It worked because the mark's front door

had one of those mail slots cut in it.  Konely says that this stunt works

wonders when the mark is not aware of what's going on until the poor drip

really gets the message.  Here's what Konely suggests.  Hook a hose, ideally

the mark's, to the outdoor faucet.  Unscrew the power nozzle so you have the

bare hose.  Carry it to the mail slot and quietly fit the bare hose end through

the slot and into the house.  Got the picture?  Good.  Konely says you just

turn on the faucet and hope the mark has slow reactions.  Most tricksters would

agree that it's hardly sporting to do this when the mark is away from home.

 

     "That would be like shooting puppies in a barrel," Konely snorts.  "At

least tip the barrel over and give them a running start, so to speak."

 

     If your mark hates cats, be sure to place dead fish in obscure and

unpleasant places around his/her abode.  Do this at night.  If you want feline

audio accompaniment, tie a large dead fish from a tree limb or pole just out of

the reach of the neighborhood cats.  The nearer to the mark's bedroom window,

the better.

 

     The modern epoxy glues are a miracle to many and a menace to others.  The

latter is exemplified by the exasperation of a person who's just discovered

that someone has squirted a load of strong glue into her/his door lock.

(Liquid solder works too.)

 

     You know all those vents in the back and top of a television set?  If you

ever pour a bunch of iron filings down in there, some interesting things will

happen to the mark's set the next time it is turned on.

 

     How about some party humor?  If your mark doesn't know you're getting back

at him yet, you might even find yourself a guest in the target home.  You could

start off your festivities by quieting yourself away from the crowd, locating

the family freezer, and either turning the unit down greatly, pulling the plug

(unless it's equipped with a safety signal unit), or switching it to defrost.

 

     A trickster by the name of Micki related how she once came bearing gifts

for the mark's family freezer.  She had matched the hostess's freezer wrapping

paper and style perfectly.  Then, nestled among the nice beef roasts, steaks,

hamburgers, and chickens belonging to the mark, Micki added her own packages of

frozen roadkill -- dead cats, small dogs, groundhogs, and crows.

 

     Happy eating, all you mystery-meat fans.

 

     While doing your tour of the targeted facilities don't forget to dump some

fierglass or insulation dust into the mark's washing machine.  It will be

picked up by the clothes, ideally undergarments.  Within half an hour of

getting dressed, a person wearing clothing impregnated by the fiberglass or

insulation dust will wish he/she weren't.  It creates terrible itching that

takes two or three days to disappear.  The best part is that no one ever thinks

to blame the rash on sabotaged clothing.  Repeated doses of this stunt are

enough to make a strong mark crumble.  A continual supply of "product" is

assured if you mix the nasty dust in with the laundry detergent.

 

     Every real kid knows what sulfur smells like when burned -- horribly

rotten eggs.  Once, some of my peergroup delinquents put some three pounds of

it in a nasty neighbor's furnace, after somehow gaining entry to the basement.

The house had to be aired out for nearly forty-eight hours.  It was awesome.

If you want some fireworks with your sulfur-in-the-furnace gimmick, throw in a

mixture of potassium permanganate and sugar.  It will flare, smoke grandly,

and, with the sulfur present, stink all the more.

 

     Here is one of Leon Specre's recipe for ill humor.  He hopes you dig it.

 

     Your mark (and family if there is one) is away for at least the weekend,

and you know about it enough ahead that you can hire a backhoe operator.  Also,

rent a pickup truck and tape a cardboard sign to its door with some vague

identification on it about a landscaping business.  Smear the license plate

with mud or borrow another plate for a short while.

 

     You should arrive at the mark's house about half an hour before the

backhoe.  Naturally, you used the mark's name when you engaged the backhoe and

you told the operator you'd have a landscape contractor (you) there to meet

him.  The neighbors should think everything is in order if you act as if you

know what you're doing.

 

     Don't give the backhoe operator a good look at you, and use some disguise

kit if possible.  The premise is that the mark wants to add a basement room

somewhere on the house.  You must tell the backhoe operator exactly where to

excavate.  In most suburban areas, underground utility lines are indicated with

aboveground markers.  You can pick up gas lines and water lines from the

meters.  Pick an area clear of utility lines and pipes and lay out some string

and stakes.  Do all this before your operator arrives.  Tell him your client,

the mark, wants that area excavated and to bill the mark directly.  Further,

tell him that you have to leave to pick up your foreman and crew and that

you'll be back in about twenty minutes.  Ideally, you'll never see the backhoe

operator again.

 

     As Frank Foge points out, "My chemistry teacher always said there'd be a

practical use for these high school science courses someday."  She was right.

Do you remember what termites look like?  Good.  If not, any insect book will

tell you.  Or visit your local Orkin man and tell him you need to obtain some

termite eggs for an experiment.  Or get them from a science-supply house.

 

     I bet you already know the experiment.  It's called how fast can the

little eggs hatch into hungry termites and devour the mark's house?  There's no

trick here; you just infest your mark's home with the little buggers.  They'll

do the rest.  This last one was prompted by a frustrated renter whose landlady

refused to have the cockroaches and other pests exterminated from an apartment.

A serious illness to an infant child, traced directly to the landlady's

refusal to follow sanitary laws, triggered the nasty "bugging" by the renter.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE INSURANCE_COMPANIES "Insurance Companies"

 

    In the intelligence business, access to insurace company files is regarded

as an operational goldmine.  A former executive explains, "These files

contained detailed analysis of actual and potential weaknesses, trouble spots,

and other problems of any sort facing clients.  Insurance companies stand to

lose millions of dollars in the event of an actionable accident or difficulty,

such as the Three Mile Island fiasco.  Obviously, these very thorough and

detailed investigative data would be of immense interest to a saboteur.  In

other words, these companies want to know the details by which anything and

everything could go wrong with a client.  These data are like a printer on

sabotage."

 

     Getting access to these reports and data may not be so easy for the

nonprofessional.  But if you have enough dedication and imagination you will

find a method.  The kids who blackbagged the FBI offices in Media,

Pennsylvania, were nonprofessionals, and look what they pulled off!  They

managed to liberate entire files of illegal domestic espionage, which later

blew apart COINTELPRO, the blackest eye Hoover's FBI ever suffered.

 

     Now let's get to the insurance companies themselves.  Suppose you get

turned down for insurance and you want to know why.  By law, the insurance

company must show you the file it has on you.  Suppose you learn that all sorts

of misinformation and other lies are in there.  There are organizations and

lawyers that deal in just that sort of thing, and a load of simultaneous

lawsuits for such things as invasion of privacy and slander would be great.

 

     Deborah Bodenhead hates junk mail, especially mail-order insurance

hustles.  So she answers these requests with affirmative orders; "I'll buy,"

she tells them.  Then she runs salespeople and clerks through all sorts of

scheduled, broken, rebroken, etc., appointments.  She settles finally on a

policy, then waits for the second billing to cancel.  Why the second billing?

 

     "They rarely send out the policy before the first billing," Deborah

explains.  "I want them to go to the expense of preparing and processing the

policy.  I usually get a second bill with a polite dunning letter.  That's when

I cancel.  It drives the salespeople to anguish every time.  Usually when they

whine and ask me why, I just tell them I really hate mail-order advertising and

just decided to cancel on a matter of principle about junk mail."

 

     I asked an insurance agent about this stunt, and he cursed people like

Deborah, saying these people drove our rates up.  I asked him if it wasn't

really the companies' own obnoxious marketing techniques that drove up rates!

He cursed me, too.

 

     Don't ever pity or sorrow for insurance companies.  They make more profit

in an hour than any of us make in salary in a year.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE IRS "IRS"

 

     A veteran dirty trickster named Michael Mertz has something good to say

about the Internal Revenue Service -- it can be used to furnish a hard time for

your mark.  Mertz knows his way around government agencies, and here's one of

his IRS offerings.

 

     "You'll need your mark's Social Security number and some other obvious

personal data.  Once you get those data you're on your way.

 

     "Call a regional IRS office and 'confess' that you have cheated on your

income tax, you conscience has bothered you, and you want to make things right

by this great nation.  Make an appointment with an auditor, using your mark's

name, Social Security number, address, etc."

 

     The kicker comes when the mark doesn't show up to keep the appointment,

for obvious reasons.  The IRS will send a visitor around to talk with the mark,

and chances are he will be audited, regardless of his explanations.

 

     So much for using IRS to hassle your mark.  Many more folks would prefer

the IRS were the mark.  As in dealing with any large bureaucracy and its

people, many of the stunts mentioned in other chapters may be brought to play

against the IRS.  However, there are a few specefic tricks that may be used to

bring rain on the IRS picnic.

 

     You could start by picking up a bunch of blank returns and filing them in

the names of your least favorite people.  I have been assured by a former IRS

field auditor that someone will have to make an effort to verify each return.

 

     With the help of your printer and your newly found forgery skills, prepare

some financial documents indicating that some person or corporation has

received some substantial income.  Make copies of copies several times until

you have a fifth- or sixth-generation copy that is not too clean but is still

easily sharp enough to read.  The idea is to make it look like copies of a

purloined original.  Call an IRS office from a phone booth and tell them you

are an honest employee of the mark and you think he is evading taxes.  Offer to

send the IRS person the papers.  Get off the phone very quickly, then send the

papers.  If the IRS gets nasty they may find themselves in court.  I got this

idea from a man who worked for a company that did fight IRS in court and won

big -- through an honest IRS error.  Think what could happen to IRS if you fed

them a dishonest error!

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE THOMAS_JEFFERSON "Thomas Jefferson"

 

     A quote by Thomas Jefferson can be used to confuse your friends or critics

if they question your activities as a dirty trickster.  A very sharp man who

would be as upset with things in America as you are, Jefferson is quoted as

saying, "Resistance to tyrants is obedience to God."

 

     Let the authoritarians and their domestic gestapo choke on that one.  It's

enough to make them thump a few Bibles.  What would be Thomas Jefferson's views

on revolution, anarchy, busing, the draft, marijuana, and excessive taxation?

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE JOGGERS "Joggers"

 

     Overweight and overwrought motorists drive by in their Detroit Dinosaurs,

pass a jogger, and mutter, "Damn stupid schmuck."  It's the human way to hate

what and whom you don't understand.  Joggers are often thought of as nuts,

oddballs, and kooks to be dealt with.

 

     Marty Jones, a landowner, is more specific, saying, "They run across a

corner of my property, using a path I put in for my own use.  I posted the

land, but they ignored the postings.  I have tried to talk to them, but they

may or may not even stop to listen.  If they stop they keep running in place

while I'm raising hell about trespass.  I think most joggers are rude,

self-centered, and selfish.  I was thinking about hiding in the bushes and

ambushing them with my kid's BB gun."

 

     For a variety of reasons, many people don't like joggers.  Some folks even

actively plot against joggers, using cars and motorcycles, then arming

themselves with boards, pies, and other objects with which to strike the

runners.  There are less barbaric ways, however.

 

     Tire spikes are a World War II relic.  During the hostilities, they were

dumped from low-flying aircraft onto enemy airfields and main transportation

roadways, where they caused havoc.  Your use may not be so widespread, but with

equally exasperating results.  The tire spike is a simply made piece of

one-eighth-inch-thick steel cut in the form of a four-pointed star.  Its

purpose is to puncture rubber tires.  The original wartime models were three

inches in diameter and had four points at forty-five-degree angles.  One of the

points always stuck upward, ready to impale a vehicle tire.  Even today, there

are many uses for tire spikes.

 

     One anti-jogger has already suggested that these spikes be reduced in size

and dropped strategically near the running habitat of these long-range exercise

buffs.  The purpose, I presume, is to penetrate the expensive bottom of

expensive jogging footwear and, perhaps, the expensive foot of the jogger.  One

critic called this tactic "a really sick pain in the metatarsus."

 

     Ultrathin piano wire strung shin high on a pathway is excruciatingly

nasty.  That's another World War II stunt redrafted for this book by Colonel

Jake Mothra.  Many military manuals offer equipment and directions, he adds.

 

     Another contribution to joggermania would be to sprinkle marbles on their

special little pathways.  Another nasty trickster, Hidell Crafard, told me

about an acquaintance at the Hunt Sporting Club in Dallas who actually put

ground glass into the running shoe of a bitter enemy.  Perhaps that's where

filet of sole originated.

 

     There aren't many counteractivities a jogger can use in retaliation.  Once

is to carry MACE for obvious use.  Another tactic is to carry cans of

garish-hued spray paint.  These can be directed against attackers' automobiles.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE LAUNDROMATS "Laundromats"

 

     In addition to the dryer for a pizza oven, as outlined in another section

of this book, you can use laundromats to harass an individual mark, or the

business itself can be your mark.  It is not very hard, for example, to dump

several packets of dye into someone's wash, ruining his/her clothing.  Doing

this at random will bring grief to the owners of the laundromat.  One

antisocial chap used to put small piles of moistened rust particles in the

dryer used by his mark so the mark's clothing would have large rust stains.

Roadkill may also be used to good advantage in these operations.

 

     Additives that are positive ingredients for a good time at the laundromat

includes raw eggs, fish, peanut butter, and fiberglass.  If your mark is the

operator of the business, you will find a variety of his/her ancillary services

to bugger, including vending machines, customer seats, and restrooms.  Small

nails or staples driven partly into seats, and restrooms.  Small nails or

staples driven partly into chairs make good items for customers to snag

themselves and their clothing on, for example.  And vending machines can be

made to steal money from patrons.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE LAWNS "Lawns"

 

     Our outdoor correspondent, Lother Gout, came up with a scheme to hassle

your mark's lawn.  It's a simple matter of spilling quantities of tomcat lure

on the targeted lawn.  The urine of Felix Domesticus will do wonders for the

lawn and the mark's disposition.

 

     There are also a number of commercial lawn-care products that may used to

good advantage by the serious dirty trickster.  One stunt is to select a large,

open chunk of you mark's lawn.  Using concentrated weed killer, you spell

socially offensive words on the lawn with the defoliant.  The grass dies, and a

nasty word or legend is spelled out for all the neighbors to see.  This works

best on a slight slope facing a street for maximum exposure.  Salt or vinegar

will work almost as well as commercial vegetation killer.  If you're the sort

of fun person who's read this far, I'm certain you'll need no suggestions as to

what to say in your little message.

 

     Serious defoliation is one of the many techniques our Vietnam experiences

made available to the dirty trickster.  Defoliation is the most potent way to

get back at dastardly people who also have unreasonable pride in their lawns

and ornamentals.  These are usually the type of fussy people who also own

small, yipping, bitchy dogs the size of rats -- more on that later.

 

     This time we're going to take out everything that grows.  There are many

commercial products available that will kill anything growing.  Look on the

label to see that it says the stuff is nonselective and/or that it makes the

soil barren.  You just load up your sprayer -- or the mark's, if you can get to

it -- and fire away.  Like a good guerilla, pick out what he loves most and hit

it first and heaviest.  Don't leave a single blade or stem standing.  No

prisoners.  Be cautious, though, that you stay upwind from the spray.  At night

you can't tell how much of the gunk you are inhaling or getting on your skin.

We have enough Agent Orange victims without adding you to the list.

 

     Reinhard Ray, a former special-operations man for the U.S. navy, suggests

a selective use of the weed killer in a psychological battle against a mark who

is a true worrier, fringing on paranoia.  You apply the solution fairly heavily

around the mark's natural or LP gas meter; then, broadcasting a bit more

lightly, you follow the fuel line directly to the mark's house.  A final,

heavier dose would be appropriate at the jointure of home and line.  Within a

few days the frightened mark will be convinced that his entire gas system is

leaking badly.  Obviously, this is effective only if your mark's house uses

natural or LP gas.  But you could also do this to a water-supply line coming

into the house or a buried electric line.

 

     A related scam would be to spray the stuff in a circle around the house.

Then, on bogus official letterhead you've either duplicated or had printed,

send the mark a letter from the Nuclear Regulatory Commision explaining how

they've just discovered some long lost records revealing that the mark's home

was built over a former repository for nuclear wastes.  I'm sure your

imagination can embellish the rest of the letter's content to convince the mark

that he, his family, and home are now radiation victims.  Obviously, you can't

use this if the mark's house is more than twenty years old, because nuclear

waste dumps weren't built much before then.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE LAWYERS "Lawyers"

 

     Punxy Phil Ferrick decided to get back at a dishonorable attorney who

decided to try hoodwinking the public by becoming a politician.  Ferrick got

hold of the attorney's legal letterhead and got it duplicated by a printer who

was equally outraged at this crook's trying to capitalize his larceny by

becoming an elected thing.

 

     Using the letterhead for starters, Ferrick sent out blatant dunning

letters over the mark's signature demanding campaign contributions from

politically sensitive people.  Another mailing was a group of threatening

letters to local civic, church, and charity groups about their winked-at

illegal bingo and 50/50 fundraisers.  In the bogus letter, the lawyer

threatened action.

 

     The bogus mailings made the local newspaper when the lawyer -- who had

been a big booster, campaigner, organizer, etc., for Nixon in '68 and '72 --

complained of the dirty tricks.  The newspaper treated the story straight:  The

attorney's denials only aroused more suspicion.  And no one ever suspected

Ferrick...until now.

 

     Another scheme is this:  Get a blank deed of trust, fill in your mark's

name and address, use your notary seal, and you have a legitimate-looking phony

document.  File it at the courthouse, and you have an action in the works

against your mark.  It means the mark has defaulted on a mortgage or some other

promissory note and that "you" are filing against it.  "You" can be an attorney

if you wish when "you" sign this form.  Days of frustration, anger, and

bureaucratic disbelief directed at the mark will follow before things are

straightened out.  Don't get caught doing this one.  The best point here is

that no one ever does things like this illegally, so the bureaucrats will never

suspect it as a dirty trick.

 

     But there's more.  If you have access to a law library or law-library

materials, you can play games with the mark's mind, claims Oswald Helms, an

observer of the legal scene.  He suggests, "Law libraries have standardized

legal-practice forms, form books, and routine stationary forms that lawyers,

clerks, judges, and the like use to help draft legal letters and proper legal

forms.  A dummy form or letter, photostated with some dummy legal notices,

using, for example, arrest warrants, summonses, condemnations, search warrants,

etc., can often pass for the real thing.  It will shake the mark very much.

 

     "The secret behind this," Helms explains, "is that real legal people

sometimes use the Xerox machine and routine forms, too.  It saves time and

money.  It will easily fool the target and will probably force his or her

attorney to at least follow it up."

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE LICENCE_PLATES "License Plates"

 

     There are many sophisticated and clever ways to obtain additional

vehicular license plates that aren't registered in your real name.  However,

it's not necessary to fool around with all that esoterica.  Be like a street

punk and simply steal what you need.  A bad guy who needs a plate simply

removes one from someone's car or truck.  That simple.  This is also highly

illegal.  But if you're careful and use a bit of common sense, can you think of

a simpler and safer way of getting the extra plates you need for dirty tricks?

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE MA_BELL "MA Bell"

 

     Did you ever see those office signs that say, THINK?  In one

telephone-company office I visited, I saw signs saying, SNEER.

 

     People have been messing with Ma Bell for as long as that corporate

dictator has been monopolizing telephone service.  For years stories have been

circulated about using strips of Scotch tape on coins, which allows their use

again and again in pay telephones.  Do you know what a number-fourteen washer

will accomplish in a pay telephone?

 

     The Yippies and other groups have developed marvelously ingenious ways of

sabotaging telephone-company operations.  Some of their literature is sheer

technological genius, almost as if it were written by a Bell Laboratoris

dropout.  I once spoke with a radical who had become a "mole," an agent of his

political beliefs who secreted himself away in five years of deep cover working

as a technician for Illinois Bell.  His purpose was to learn about the

technical side of the company so he could later control or destroy telephonic

communication.

 

     Gordon Alexander presents an alternative manner, simple but novel in these

complex days.  A professional dirty trickster for more than twenty years,

Alexander uses the dangerous but simple method of physically cutting telephone

lines.  If you are looking for instructions on how to safely cut Ma Bell's

lines here, forget it.  Unless you know what you are doing and have the proper

equipment you could easily light up like an insect hitting an electric bug

trap.  I said it was simple; I didn't say it was easy or safe.

 

     Lee Jenner, an accountant, suggests that you overpay your telephone bill

if you're alienated from Ma Bell.  He says, "Overpay by a constant seventeen

cents a month.  Make it consistent.  Then, after a few months, underpay by

seventeen cents.  Start another pattern for a while of overpayment; then

underpay again.  It drives them nuts."

 

     Jenner continues, "The local telephone company had screwed a client of

mine and refused even give him the time of day.  He started this seventeen-cent

bit, and before the year was out he had the manager of the local company

begging him to stop.  It worked totally to his satisfaction."

 

     Meanwhile, on other battlefield fronts, Bell-hater Leo Garry says you

should have your printer make a bunch of OUT OF ORDER signs with the local Ma

Bell's logo on them.  Hang them on every public telephone you find.  Speaking

of pay telephones, only punks and idiots damage them.  Much as you may hate

them, they're the only game in town.  If you've ever needed a pay phone in an

emergency, you know what I mean.

 

     You can play games with your local service representative (Ma Belltalk for

salesperson) by ordering phones and equipment for marks or ordering service

shutoffs.  Always make these type of calls from a pay phone, for obvious

reasons.

 

     Bandit calling may have been developed by the Yippies.  Certainly they are

among its champions, both as practitioners and as cheerleaders.  Aside from the

blue boxes, which make free calls for you, there is a tactic that can be used

by the nontechnical wizard and doesn't cost you anything.  It's the use of the

bogus credit-card numbers, and it works like this.

 

     Always use a pay telephone and not always the same one.  Next, you need a

credit-card number.  Here is where knowledge of Ma Bell's codes comes in.  For

that information check OVERTHROW, a tabloid published by the Youth

International Party.  A subscription cost you ten dollars a year, but each

issue contains all sorts of other dirty tricks, as well as an updated listing

of not only Ma Bell's codes, but also the complete credit-card numbers for many

corporations, public utilities, and government agencies.  To order a

subscription, send ten dollars to Overthrow, P.O. Box 392, Canal Street

Station, New York, N.Y. 10013.  It's a good investment, according to most

readers.

 

     After you get credit-card codes or numbers, the Yippies claim, the rest of

bandit calling is simple.  You simply dial the long distance operator from your

pay phone and sound very, very businesslike when you say, "This is a credit

card call, and my number is [give the operator the credit-card number].  I want

to call [give the operator only the number of the party you are calling]."  Be

sure you can tell a suspicious operator the area code from which the card was

supposedly issued.  If the operator wants to know who holds the card, either

make up a legitimate-sounding company name or use the name of the agency or

company whose card number it really is, depending upon the circumstance.  It

helps if your party at the other end of the call knows what's happening.

 

     Talk straight and businesslike for the first five minutes, as a snoopy

operator -- that's the way Ma Bell trains them -- might stay on the line that

long to listen in.  Avoid sensitive subjects like your name, politics, drugs,

or dirty tricks since you never know who is recording calls these days.  Break

off the call within twelve minutes.  Obviously, your callee should act very

dumb when Ma Bell's security people do come to investigate a month or so after

the fraud is discovered.  And don't let them intimidate you or your friends,

either.  They're good at that -- many of them are former federal or state

police.

 

     One Bell employee told me that their security people utilize warrantless

wiretaps, blackmail, and physical surveillance to catch persons suspected of

making bandit calls.  The employee also told me these tactics are used against

persons who even publicize such practices.  I consider myself warned.  So

should you.  Ma Bell can be one nasty mother.

 

     By the time you read this, though, the game may be up.  In Washington

state, the Supreme Court there upheld the conviction of a newspaper for

publishing the telephone company's secret codes.  The telephone company, which

has both security and propaganda sections that rival the government's, was

working furiously behind the scenes to influence the verdict.

 

     Abbie Hoffman suggested this next trick, so if it doesn't work, call him.

Restrict Hoffman's idea to corporate, utility, or institutional telephone

systems.  Cut the female end off an ordinary extension cord.  Unscrew the

mouthpiece on the telephone in any one office.  You will see a terminal for a

red wire and one for a black wire.  Attach one of the wires from the extension

cord to the red and one to the black.  Finally, plug the extension cord into a

power socket.

 

     According to Hoffman, you are sending 120 volts of electricity back

through equipment designed for six volts.  He says this will knock out

thousands of other telephones and the main switchboard, "if all goes right."

Even if his numbers are somewhat exaggerated, you've had a good day.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE MILITARY "Military"

 

     The canard that began World War II in Europe was based on the tenets of

dirty trickery.  On 1 September 1939, a group of what appeared to be Polish

soldiers attacked a German radio station near the two countries' borders.  In

"self-defense," German units then fired upon Polish units in Danzig.

 

     That stunt actually started World War II.

 

     The so-called aggressors who attacked the German radio station were

actually inmates from German concentration camps, dressed in Polish army

uniforms, driven from Germany to the radio site near the border and injected

with the lethal drug skophedal.  The dying men were spread out in what appeared

to be a firefight scenario and riddled with bullets by German SS men.  A few

who survived told the story.  The German code name for this "military"

operation was Canned Goods.

 

     While serving as a guest of Uncle Sam, I had some intelligence

assignments.  There I found out that there are two types of intelligence --

military and human.  Or as Groucho Marx said, "Military intelligence is a

contradiction of terms."

 

     You can get arrested for falsely wearing the real uniform of the armed

forces.  That's why some tricksters don't wear an actual uniform but either

build or rent a replica that surely looks real.  That way they are free to give

speeches, shout orders, make bogus policy pronouncements, hold press

conferences, use rank, and all sorts of other bits of theater from which the

average citizen might infer that the actor really does represent the official

military.  This sort of incorrect inference could cause all sorts of

public-relations and worse problems for the military establishment.  Could this

be considered contributing to the delinquency of a major?

 

     Although the Yippies are a generation or so forgotten, and at least as

this is written, our army is no longer a high-profile domestic villian, someone

may still want to pull one off for old times' sake.  A Jerry Rubin trick would

be to find a somewhat deserted area of a large public recreational park.  Place

some official-looking, commercially printed signs in prominent places.  The

signs will say:

 

                                    WARNING

 

                          Army war dogs training in this

                        area.  Very Dangerous.  Keep all

                        children and pets within sight.

                        If Army dog approaches do not

                        move under any circumstances.

 

                            --U.S. Army. Official--

 

     Guess who will get blamed when frightened citizens complain to the town,

city, county, state, feds, or whoever is in charge of the park.  Guess how many

brass hats will have to visit the site, investigate, write reports, and give

explanations.

 

     According to Captain DeGeorge Media, things got pretty bizarre over at the

Pentagon when the intelligence boys found that OPEC intelligence agents had

broken the Pentagon ZIP code.  Hah!  Can you military agents reading this book

break the code I just used?  -- MESSAGE ENDS --

 

     Speaking of military-intelligence agents, I recall that especially

obnoxious recruits, second lieutenants, and other lower-order sorts could often

be sent on a fool's errand that often multiplied into more harassment than the

stunt was really worth.  If your mark caught a first sergeant with an

especially bad hangover or an ill-tempered senior officer who'd just dicovered

that his daughter was pregnant by some recruit from a Third World military unit

attached for training -- well, you get the idea.  Anyhow, you can send these

marks out to bring back a rubber flag to be flown on rainy days.  Or you can

send the idiot out to bring back the cannon report.  If you're air force, a

five-gallon drum of prop wash is an appropriate errand target -- or a bucket of

prop pitch or a box of RPMs.  The navy is good for sending someone to get

stuffing for the crow's nest, a biscuit gun for the galley, etc.  You can

always send someone to the post or ship's print shop for some dotted ink.  A

trip to the supply stores for plaid paint is fun.  The best part is that they

almost always fall for such nonsense.  I think that says something about the

military's effect on human thought processes.

 

     If you have access to the sound system over which Reveille is played each

morning, you might move up that magic time of day by, oh, say half an hour or

forty-five minutes -- just enough to screw things up.  The next day, make it

fifteen minutes late.  Another day, play it in the middle of the night.  Always

play it a bit louder than usual.

 

     In a similar sense, at one summer camp, a national guardsman switched the

Reveille record for a rock record one morning.  Another morning, recorded Rusty

Warren and her humor greeted the troops.

 

     Some solid general advice for getting even within the military comes from

a high-ranking and experienced military man who is now a biggie in the VFW.

You know he's qualified to give advice.

 

     He suggests, "The military is a blizzard of paper, paranoia, and intrigue.

A dirty trickster who understands this and can parody the system will drive a

mark to ruin.  A good primer for action is to read CATCH 22.

 

     "You will find an abundance of politics, ass kissing, back biting, gossip,

and reputation hunting and destroying among career military people.  It's an

absolutely fertile ground to grow dirty tricks.  A nastily clever person will

have no trouble getting even for all the petty bullshit the military inflicts

upon sensitive and logical people."

 

     Thinking about sensitive and logical people brought Selective Service to

mind.  When we last had a draft, during the Vietnam unpleasantness, all sorts

of young men did all sorts of bizarre things to evade it.  However, a true

dirty trickster would think in 180 degree terms -- why not invade the draft?

Simply register yourself in about three dozen locations with an equal number of

draft boards.  As far as I know, the law came down on only you if you failed to

register.  I guess I don't have to list the reasons why someone might wish to

get even with the Selective Service system or a particular board.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE MOTION_PICTURES "Motion Pictures"

 

     Hugh Troy was a famed artist who was also a hardcore practical joker.

Once, the manager of a motion-picture theater offended Troy.  Troy went into

the same theater the next evening, after secreting several jars of huge moths

on his person.  Soon after the feature began, he released the creatures, all of

which flew directly into the beam of the projector and stayed and stayed and

stayed....

 

     Have you ever sat down in a darkened theater, later finding your posterior

has been parked on someone else's sticky candy bar or chewing gum from the last

show?  Did you ever go to a movie house, feel you were ripped off by the poor

feature, get up and leave well before the film is finished, and still be unable

to get a partial refund?

 

     Peanuts Campbell used the restroom of a local movie house, and when he

flushed the facility it backfired on him, staining his new pants and causing

other patrons to both turn up their noses and turn away their eyes in

annoyance.

 

     Another person was served buttered popcorn in a tub that leaked the gooey

liquid all over his date's dress.  Management refused to pay any claims.  The

patron of a stage theater had his pants torn on a potruding seat spring.  No

damages were paid, and his attorney said the amount was too small to take to

court.

 

     What's next?  Peanuts Campbell has an answer.

 

     You must have a quick, clear exit after this action.  Peanuts Campbell

used to take a container of lukewarm vegetable soup into a movie theater.  He

sat in the front row of the balcony.  He made the sounds of being sick to his

stomach -- choking, coughing, retching -- then dumped the soup on the people

below.  The same tactic also works at sporting events, public meetings --

anywhere there is a crowd below you.  But you must have a good escape plan.

 

     The point of all this is to have dozens of irate patrons demanding damage

settlements from the managements of the establishment.  If you don't feel

adventuresome enough to dump on your fellow customers, simply go into the

theater early and, while no one else is around, place gooey chewing gum on

random seats.  Pick seats aways form the aisle or ceiling safety lights.  You

may also use a slow-drying glue on the seats.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE MUNICIPAL_SERVICES "Municipal Services"

 

     A former CIA operaive who specialized in sabotage shared a couple of

theoretical ideas about some cheap tricks.  He suggests that if a municipality

has corroded you with its parking corruption, then a return is only fair.  He

suggests a squirt or two of concentrated battery acid into a parking-meter

slot.  Repeat as necessary, he adds.

 

     He has an excellent caveat to go with this, though:  "If you do this sort

of thing needlessly and unprovoked, it is nothing more than criminal vandalism,

which is stupid, and you deserve what you get if you're caught.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE NEIGHBORHOODS "Neighborhoods"

 

     Be the first in your mark's neighborhood to become a blockbuster.  It's

time to fuss up the mark's neighbors again.  Find a real estate agency that

deals mostly with blacks or Chicanos.  Posing as the mark, call the agency and

invite a salesperson out to talk about the sale of the mark's neighbor's house.

Don't hoke up your role with a lot of brotherhood stuff -- play it straight.

Now, if the mark is a good, solid white citizen living in a neighborhood of

same-minded bigots, you have a wonderful deal going for you.  The kicker is,

you give the salesman the mark's name and the neighbor's address.  Obviously,

you must pick the most rednecked, bigoted neighbor to be the fall guy for the

black or Chicano salesperson.  By the time the "mistake" gets straightened out

who's going to believe the mark?  Not only have you alienated his neighbor, but

you have taken a big chunk out of his credibility and popularity.  Black is

beautiful, especially when it's the color of the mark's reputation among his

peers.

 

     This stunt works -- a person I know used it.  He's a professional ball

player who went into a furniture store with his wife to buy living-room-and-den

suite of furniture.  The clerk was bigoted and exceptionally nasty.  My friend

calmly asked to see the manager, who turned out to be worse than the clerk.

The black customer suddenly flashed his wallet full of green money, and both

white guys blanched.  No further words were exchanged as the married couple

left the store.  Two days later my friend called a black real estate agency.

You just read about what happened next.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE NOTARY_SEAL "Notary Seal"

 

     Possession of or access to a notary seal is vital to a trickster.  To the

average layperson and common lawyer, the mere fact of a notary seal on a

document is like God's own rubber stamp.  Many times you will need to have a

document notarized as part of the scams explained in this book.  Having your

own seal kit is the obvious answer.  Some firms sell real ones -- "official" --

on the black market.  Some sell replica kits, which are not official.  Avoid

these -- some are so crude that they wouldn't even fool a politician.  I know

one trickster who had a seal kit custom made -- by a con in a California prison

print shop.  The con had been an engraver in civilian life and really knew his

work.

 

     You can buy a blank die kit openly from any shop stocking seals.

Corporations use them all the time, which may give you a tip right there about

the value of seals.  You can have a custom seal made by many of these

companies.

 

     However you obtain it, get a notary-seal kit.  The uses of it pay off the

first few times you scam someone.  In addition to the notary seal, you should

also get a couple of other official-looking dies.  Commercially and openly, you

can obtain blank dies with state logos, or you can get one that looks like a

U.S. eagle.  All sorts of possibilities exist.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE OIL_COMPANIES "Oil Companies"

 

     The soaring oil prices and lack of leadership got so bad late in 1979 that

all the dedicated and honest congresspersons got together to protest big oil.

But who is afraid of seven people!

 

     You remember the Great Gasoline Ripoff of 1979, when the oil companies

raped the driving public both coming and going?  Petroleum magnate Jimmy

Slushslinger related this story:  A regular customer pulled up to a service

station and said, "Fill 'er up."  As he was paying the bill, he said, "Oh

gosh, all I have is a fifty-dollar bill.  Sorry."

 

     The gas jockey replied, "No problem -- you can pay me the rest next week."

 

     Starting rumors at the inappropriate time is the something else to do.

For example, if your mark happens to be a gasoline station owned by a major

company, and a lot of citizens are in a gas line waiting for their semi-annual

pittance of overpriced petroleum, you could walk onto the scene wearing

oil-smeared coveralls and stroll down the line -- just out of sight of the real

station personnel.  Tell parked motorists that all fuel is gone.  If anyone

gets belligerent, use the "I'm a minimum-wage employee, but the boss said if

anyone got angry to send the bastard to him, because he'll sure cool him off in

a hurry."  Don't wait around for the cooling-off period.

 

     Cut out a stencil that has the word ARAMCO on it, then spray it with white

paint under the word STOP on all the stop signs in your town or near a large

oil-company office building or refinery.  Aramco, in case you didn't know, is

the major oil cartel that works with OPEC to rob American citizens.

 

     During the 1979 oil-company blitzkrieg against the American public, a

guerrilla fighter hit back.  He cut a sliding door in the floor of his van.  He

had a three-hundred-gallon tank installed in the van, along with a small

electrically operated pump and a twenty-foot hose.  He drove in only to

company-owned gasoline stations, parked over the main tank caps, then used a

wrench to open one.  He dipped in his hose, turned on the quiet pump, and

filled his tank with three-hundred gallons of free tigers.

 

     Bruno Tannetto dislikes oil companies.  For years he played credit-card

bingo with them, pirated cards, counterfeited cards, and ran up huge debts and

skipped them -- all in the name of guerrilla warfare against the oil giants.

He also saved all the postage-paid return envelopes they used to include with

his bills.  Since he rarely paid, he had quite a collection of envelopes,

which is when he really got his rocks off.

 

     Bruno collected a bunch of heavy rocks and boxed them up in a sturdy

carton, which he marked, "Caution -- Geological-Core Samples" and addressed to

whatever oil company he had the envelopes for.  Using the envelope as the

"postage," he mailed this heavy box first class to the oil company, which had

to spring for the huge postal charges.  He did this many times to several of

the giants.

 

     Giggi Hilliard tells about a chap who played nasty to get an oil-company

operation into some difficulty.  The agent provocateur's mode was forgery, and

here's what he did.  While on a routine visit to the oil company's corporate

offices, he swiped an internal memo from a desk while the secretary was out of

the room.  He had his printer create some blank memo sheets using the company

logo.  Then, using a safe IBM typewriter and following the style of the company

original, the trickster wrote a very sensitive memo from one oil-company

manager to another.  The memo discussed the need for deep cover to prevent

leakage of sensitive financial contributions to state and national political

officials.  He then leaked the memo to the press.

 

     "The idea behind this," Hilliard explains, "is to cause the oil company,

or whatever mark you choose, to have to explain and deny.  Nobody believes them

anyhow, so you give that big business another credibility black eye.  Great,

huh?  You can use this same tactic with any corporation, utility, or business.

The list of sensitive topics is limitless.  But always use real officials'

names on the forgeries."

 

     Consult OVERTHROW (see section on Ma Bell) to obtain the telephone-credit-

card numbers for the major oil companies.  Use this information to you best

advantage.  Beware:  Oil companies hire experienced FBI, CIA, and

drug-enforcement people for their security staffs.  The security and

intelligence operations of the oil industry are as nasty and effective as

anything the feds could put together, and they are not hindered with what few

laws do restrict the federal law-enforcement people.   You have no civil or

human rights when the oil-company security and intelligence people go after

you.  When dirty tricking the oil companies it is crucial that you practice

WYA, which means Watch Your Ass!

 

     Recently, a lady trickster called the wife of an oil-company robber baron

and pretended to be a lowly cleaning lady at corporate headquarters.  Telling

Mrs. Oil Executive that she, the cleaning lady, was a good Christian lady who

believed in the God-given sanctity of family and marriage, our "cleaning lady"

revealed that she often had to clean fresh semen stains from the couch in Mr.

Executive's office after "private, after-hours conferences" between the boss

and his young secretary.  That's all, just a simple telephone call from a

simple, honest, God-fearing lady to a stay-at-home wife who's probably already

paranoid about her executive-husband's extracurricular sex life.  If more

right-minded citizens cared about the moral decline among executives in the oil

industry...

 

     By now you surely owe that friendly and cooperative printer a few glasses

of lemonade for being your co-cospirator in a number of scams.  Here's one

more.  Many of your area's prominent citizens should recieve a fancy invitation

to attend a special local social function hosted by your favorite oil

corporation.  The invitation should read something like this:  "Admit bearer

and guest for the special Hollywood entertainment and buffet on [day and date].

Informal dress from [time] to [time] at [location]."

 

     Try to pick a Saturday or Sunday and mail the invitation only a day or so

prior to the nonevent.  This won't give the doubters, cynics, press, or anyone

else much time to ascertain the veracity of the invitation.

 

     In the summer of 1979, after reading newspaper stories about how the major

oil companies were raking in untaxed windfall profits ranging from 35 to 130

percent, Melvin Lierd decided enough was enough.

 

     "I had no mere dirty tricks in mind; my whole idea was to rip those

bastards as much as I could, the greedy, lying thieves," Melvin muttered

mildly.

 

     His plan was simple.  He obtained credit cards from as many companies as

possible and charged as many products and services as possible only from

company-owned stations.

 

     "I ran up bills as high and as fast as possible.  I had absolutely no

intention of paying," Melvin explained.

 

     Asked if he got the cards in his own name.  Melvin responded, "Nah, I got

them in a fake company name.  I run up as much as I can, then pay them each $5

or so, claiming it is only a token payment because we're a new company, but I

will make the rest soon, blah, blah, blah.

 

     "The greedy bastards are so anxious to make money they'll just add on

those outrageous interest charges -- usury rates, they are -- and drool at how

much they're screwing me on financing.

 

     "I'll string them along for a couple of months; then, if they get serious,

I'll simply dissolve my company and let them eat their bills."

 

     Do lawsuits bother Melvin?  He rates lawyers and judges slightly below

clam feces on his scale of respect, and he says, "Let them sue the company.  It

has no assets.  Plus, they gotta find me.  Let me tell you something, old son

-- you have to use the law.  There is no justice, so you use the law to suit

yourself.  How do you suppose the big oil companies and the big lawyers and the

big judges and all the other crooked snakes got so powerful -- by using the

law!"

 

     At last report, Melvin Lierd was draining the oil giants at a rate far in

excess of his own expectations.  He has invited many of you to join him.

 

     Not content to live by the rule of "steal from them before they steal from

you," Carl Bepp likes to add things to the oil-company stations' bulk tanks.

He says that many of the additives described earlier in this book and elsewhere

will work.  But, he does have a sentimental favorite.

 

     "Once, some land rapists were drilling a noisy, sloppy gas well near the

home of a friend of mine," he relates.  "Since they were stealing from the

land, I decided to steal some land from them.

 

     "One evening, when they were finished drilling for the day, I got some of

that slimy, mucky gunk that the drillers had bailed out of the well.  I took it

to my most-hated oil company's very own station and dumped three two-gallon

buckets of that gunk down into their bulk tanks."

 

     He said he has also used several gallons of refurbished solid wastes,

known as sludge, as another additive for the oil-company products.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE MAIL "Mail"

 

     The Ku Klux Klan has some interesting strategies for spreading terror.

One of these is to collect from regional newspapers clippings of unsolved

arsons (or robberies, rapes, burglaries, assaults, etc.).  If you need to

fatten the file, include clips from national publications too.  Place the clips

in a manila envelope and tape it to an old gasoline can (or ax, bra, shotgun

shell, jimmy bar, etc.), which you leave on your mark's home or office

doorstep.

 

     David Williams is the pen name of a Texas state legislator who spends his

working hours as a freelance writer.  He told about Jim Boren (pen name of a

friend), whose great idea for practical joking was to send single-entendre

postal cards bearing personal, sexual, or medical messages to William's home.

 

     "Since I met Jim Boren, I hide from my postman," Williams notes.

 

     Williams is not Boren's only victim.  Many of his friends suffer from

postal cards such as the bogus Playboy Towers Memo that pointed out, "Davie

boy, thanks for taking care of my friend while she was in Austin.  I was

envious when she told me how things went down.  Love, Elvira."

 

     Or this hotel postcard came from Hong Kong, addressed to Williams via his

pen name at his real address:  "She's no longer at the topless bar.  But her

sister at the massage parlor thinks she went to Seoul.  I can pursue it at the

embassy, but will have to disclose your personal interest.  Please advise."

 

     It is signed by J. Harley, identified by a return address as "Harley's

Detective Agency" in New Orleans.  There is no Harley, no agency, no nothing at

the return addresses.

 

     Jim also sends cards to people's wives.  One said:  "Sorry, couldn't make

it this time.  My wife came along."

 

     One of Harley's better efforts at postal assassination was this gem, sent

from Toronto:  "Thanks for your help with the bail money.  You done better by

me than President Nixon did by his boys for doing about the same thing.  If I

get the book thrown at me later, I'll ride it out, but I want a written

agreement on the money and I don't want you saying ugly things about me in the

papers if they learn about your personal role in this."

 

     From Cleveland, Jim Boren sent David Williams this postcard:  "The cops

found your name and address in one of the girls' diaries.  They may be in touch

soon.  -- A friend."

 

     This next stunt is also accomplished through the mail.  Posing as a

medical researcher, Elmer Surehe says, you can probably con some crablice eggs

from a supply house, for a price, of course.  The eggs are inserted with an

innocuous business letter into an envelope addressed personally to the mark.

When the mark opens and unfolds the letter, the lice eggs drop onto his/her

clothing and surroundings.

 

     It would make sense that nothing in this letter connect back to you, of

course.  Some people have used the name and return address of another mark.

The resulting confusion will ensure that two marks are unhappy.

 

     A critic felt that this tactic would be unfair because an innocent

secretary, business associate, or spouse might intercept the letter and receive

the dose.  Two observations -- first, people shouldn't read personal mail

addressed to other people; and second, sometimes the innocent must scratch

along with the guilty.

 

     A pulled-punch version of the lice-eggs letter is to use itching powder

instead.  It's easily available from novelty stores, or you can make your own

following the directions printed in some of the formula books available.

Sneezing powder is another alternative.

 

     A suggestion for a nastier ingredient came in from a former agent of the

American intelligence community who got paid a lot of money for planning and

implementing things like this.  He suggests a chemical tear-gas powder heavily

laced into an envelope, noting, "It will clear a mailroom or an office in

minutes."

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE MAIL_DROPS "Mail Drops"

 

     These are essential if you're going to carry on any sort of correspondence

with a mark or with suppliers of services and equipment.  Depending upon the

circumstances, you will need either a postal box or a regular street-address

mail drop.  Post-office boxes may be obtained in any name, although you will

have to present some identification documenting your "identity."

 

     If your scam is a short-termer, pick an apartment with many little boxes.

Choose an empty one, claim it for the duration, and have it checked daily.  Put

in your little name card and use that exact address on your returns.  The

mail-delivery person doesn't know or care who comes and goes.  Or you can have

a very cool and trusted friend front their address as you as a mail drop.

However, this person must be prepared and capable of carrying off a very

plausible denial.  You'd better think this one through before involving another

person.  Deniability can be a tough rap for an amateur.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE MARRIAGE "Marriage"

 

     Carol Sludge and a friend decided they should stage manage an entire

wedding for a mark.  So they did.  She handled the gown and bridesmaids'

goodies, and he did the satorial bit for the men.  They got invitations and

arranged for a church, a reception hall, a caterer, and an orchestra.  They did

it all in the name of the mark and his fictious spouse to be.  They chose a

time when the mark was on vacation to send out invitations for the Sunday the

mark was due back in town.  Everyone showed up for the ceremony -- everyone but

the "bride and groom."  Guests were somewhat miffed, and merchants and others

descended upon the mark at his place of business Monday morning, wanting to be

paid for goods and services.

 

     Beyond that, what do you turn to after the old standard buns of wrecking

the marriage ceremony have been batted around the bachelor-party table?  Here

are some quickie suggestions, brought to you by the Reverend Robby Gayer:

 

     1.  Hire a woebegone lady with a young child to troop into the reception

and confront the groom-mark with the question of his continued child-support

payments.

 

     2.  Hire an outstandingly healthy young wench who is just brimming over

with sensual physical charm.  She should cause heads to turn if she's costumed

correctly as she vamps up to the groom-mark and plants wet soul kisses on him,

cooing, "Don't forget our past, love.  And when you're tired of that little

girl next-door, you know where to find me."  As she leaves, she stage whispers,

"Last [night, week, whatever] was just super.  Don't be such a stranger --

you're too much man for that."

 

     3.  Call the church office before the ceremony and say that a crazed

ex-lover of the bride plans to destroy the reception.  Just as the reception

begins, arrange to have many M80s or grenade simulators exploded.

 

     4.  Consider bringing additives into play with the punch and the food.

 

     5.  Hire someone, grief stricken at the loss of the bride or groom, to

messily and dramatically "attempt suicide" at either the ceremony or the

reception.  Be sure to have associates to carry the victim out quickly for

"medical attention."

 

     6.  Hire someone to become physically sick during the ceremony or the

reception.  With luck, you can get a member of the wedding party to do this.

 

     7.  Use many additives in the groom-mark's drinks during the prenuptial

bachelor party.

 

     8.  Hire someone to slowly and dramatically flash the minister for the

back of the church while everyone else is facing front.  This also works well

if there is a singer in the choir balcony.  Try to upset him or her during a

song.

 

     9.  Call the state police or the drug-enforcement people and give them a

complete discription of the car that will carry the bridal couple on the

honeymoon.  Report that the couple and the car are really dope mules, that is,

couriers of the drug trade.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE MEDIA "Media"

 

     The mass media -- newspapers, radio, television, and magazines -- can be

helpful tools in getting even, or they can be your mark in a dirty trick.  I

suggest you keep your media-as-tool aspect relegated to local events and local

media.  In general, newspapers tend to be conservative and stodgy and not much

interested in your rousing of the rabble.  Most newspaper officials play golf

with corporate officials, and their common bond are advertising and profits.

 

     Television likes good, visual consumer stories, and local TV stations will

go for local controversy more often than will local newspapers.  Here are some

basic suggestions for using the media to help you in your getting-even

campaigns.

 

     If the editor says the event is news, then it goes out to the public as

news.  People don't make news; editors make news.

 

     To impress editors you have to keep coming up with fresh action.  You have

to be visual, outrageous, funny, controversial, and brief.  Your message has to

be catchy, visual, and packaged to fit ninety seconds of time in the six- or

eleven-o'clock news slot.  It's no wonder long-winded academics end up with

"Viewpoint," or "Talk Out" at 3:00 o'clock Monday morning.  They don't know how

to use TV.

 

     Now, how do you get even with the media when they deserve it?  There are

several things you can do:

 

O     Take or phone in a fake wedding story, being sure to give them a

 legitimate-looking bride-groom photo.  It doesn't matter who the people in the

 picture really are.  Most smaller and medium-sized papers will publish without

 checking, which could lead to all sorts of wonderful things if you've been

 inventive in your choice of marriage partners.

 

O     Use a low-power mobile transmitter to add little bits of original

 programming to your community's commercial radio station.  Some people did

 this in Syracuse, New York, and drove officials crazy with hilariously obscene

 fake commercials, news bulletins, etc.

 

O     Newspapers often have huge rolls of newsprint in relatively unsecured

 storage areas.  It is a low-risk mission to insert paper-destroying insects or

 chemicals into those rolls.

 

O     Some small radio stations are often loosely attended at night.  Often,

 only the on-duty DJ is around, and even he will have to go to the can

 sometime.  You might be able to wait until then or have an accomplice distract

 that DJ while you place a prerecorded cassette with a message of your own

 choosing on the air.

 

O     With smaller newspapers, it is sometimes easy to get phony stories and/or

 pictures published.  Using you imagination, you can certainly cause a variety

 of grief with their crime.

 

     According to media consultant Jed Billet, if you have a financially weak

radio station in your area, you can often place ads for your mark over the

telephone.  Agreeing, Eugene Barnes recalls, "A couple of years ago, I wanted

to get back at a doctor who'd really screwed up my family with some terrible

behavior in a business dealing.  So I designated him as my mark and had him

'open a pizza business.'  I called the radio station and had them run a

saturation campaign of twenty-five spots per day listing his name and home

address and telephone number, plus all sorts of promotional gimmicks, like free

delivery, free Coke, stuff like that.  He had to have his telephone

disconnected for a week.  The station ran the ads for a day and a half before

the doctor got them pulled.  He had 'customers' off and on, though, for the

next ten days."

 

     Newspapers, magazines, radio, and TV are businesses, very concerned about

their profit-and-loss statements.  Sales, both of advertising and of audience

for that advertising, are vital to the media.  Knowing this, old media hand Ben

Bulova has a scheme that works well most of the time.

 

     "Most newspapers will start a subscription with a telephone call," Bulova

says.  "You call in and order a subscription in your mark's name and address."

 

     The next step, Bulova explains, is to call the mark and, using the real

circulation manager's name, tell him that you are with the circulation

department of the newspaper and that they're going to give the mark a free

trial subscription.  That way, when the papers start to arrive, the mark thinks

they're free.  When the bill arrives, the mark will call the real circulation

person.  That conversation would be interesting to hear.

 

     Bulova says that this will work with magazines and trade publications, as

well.  He advocates an entire string of such gifts.

 

@ENDNODE

 

@NODE MEDICAL "Medical"

 

     Either steal real medical test-report forms from a hospital, clinic, or

laboratory or have a friend get them for you.  If this doesn't work, a trusted

printer will make some for you.  You will also need matching return-address

business envelopes to mail the reports to your mark.  Get some technical advice

from a medical textbook or a very trusted friend with a medical background,

then prepare a series of embarrassing lab reports for your mark.  This could

include positive identification of such problems as venereal disease, drug

dependence, cancer, yeast infection, or mental illness.

 

     The mailing of the bogus report must be coordinated with a telephone call

to the mark's spouse, employer, parents, parole officer, etc.  Doctor Milo

Weir, who helped with this idea, recommends that multiple copies of the

diognostic report copy could be sent to public-health officials, and a

drug-problem might go to the state narcotics bureau.

 

     If you're waiting in a doctor's examining room you will probably see all

sorts of goodies stacked around -- syringes, common drugs, medical equipment,

maybe a diploma or two.  A couple of Yippies said they used to make

appointments complaining of vague symptoms just so the could rip off goodies.

Beyond simple pilferage, the opportunity exists here for introducing additives

to various products.

 

     This should tickle the fancy of those true sadists among you.  It comes

from the Olde Medical Almanak of Doctor Jerrold Andurson.  He removes some of

the Preparation H from the regular container and refills that with tabasco

sauce.  Andurson guaratees that this will give your hemorrhoidal mark one of

the hottest seats she/he could feel.

 

     Andurson adds, "That reminds me of the observation made by the man who

caught his genitalia in a bear trap.  He said that the second worst pain in his

life came when he came to the end of the trap's chain."

 

     One summer, Will Gressle had the misfortune to be incarcerated in a

hospital wing run by a nurse who made Doctor Josef Mengele seem like Santa

Claus.  An easygoing sort, Gressle was driven to revenge by this nasty

Brigadier of Bedpans.  Here's what he did about it.

 

     "In late November I was visiting my uncle's ranch in Idaho, where he

raises a few sheep.  I got about seven pounds of farm-fresh sheep droppings and

put it carefully in an opaque, airtight plastic sack," he relates.

 

     "I put that in a box, wrapped it in bright Christmas paper, and stuck

little happy-face and Christmas decals all over it.  Then I wrapped all that in

heavy brown paper and mailed it to the nurse, in care of the hospital.  I put a

fake return address on the package and a few holiday stickers on the outside,

too.

 

     "I'm sure the parcel arrived at the hospital, where they have a little

tree in each wing and a small exchange of presents.  It is my sincere hope that

Nurse Nasty unwrapped my gift in front of a lot of nurses, doctors, and

patients.  She would finally get to the bag of sheep shit and a little note,

which read, 'Just returning a tiny little bit of what you are so fond of

dishing out in great amount,' signed, 'A Former Inmate.'"

 

     Considering that the major side effect of medical treatment these days is

terminal bankruptcy, it is little wonder that the medical institutions and

personnel have become the target of so much getting-even thinking.  In speaking

with people on both sides of this fight, I have concluded that there are only

limited stunts you can direct against these specific targets.  Yet the range of

regular stunts presented in a dozen other chapters of this book are as

effective against medical institutions and people as against any other subject

-- perhaps more so, given the self-held exalted status of the medical

community.

 

     For example, it's one thing if your mark is a contractor and suffers from

a venereal disease because of your getting even -- but think how it would work

for a doctor!  Gossip travels fast in the medical corridors.

 

     However, if you are thirsting for a few little goodies to toss at the

medical community, here's a mini-list of suggestions:

 

O     Leave dead vermin at strategic points of a particular medical facility --

 near the coffee shop, the kitchen, the emergency room, the visitor's lounge,

 etc.

 

O     Dressed in whites or other appropriate uniform, slip in with cafeteria or

 kitchen help and put some harmless food coloring into foods.  Or if you can

 get in to where the staff food is prepared, more powerful additives may be

 used.

 

O     Borrow some medical-insurance identification from a cooperative friend or

 otherwise obtain someone else's identification.  Use this to charge medical

 bills, either real or imaginary.  The point is to get bills sent to a totally

 innocent or totally unaware third party.  If it's your friend, he or she is

 part of the scam and will pretend to be outraged about the whole business.

 Either way, the medical facility is the real mark.

 

@ENDNODE

 

 

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